Another partial screen play, this time roller derby


Last bout of the season, and resulting after party.
Indoor Arena/bout space, small crowd
Announcer
And it looks like the Harmony City Derby Darlings are going to get their butts handed to them again.
Huddle at the skaters bench, Anna is putting on helmet pantie, Cathy has the pivot pantie on, Beth is right in the huddle, Denise and Evi are just kind of there.
Beth
Ok
, I know it is a little to late, but lets go out with a bang here, lets not go down by this much.
Cathy
Yeah, Anna, you jam, I’ll pivot, you guys
B1
,
B2
,
B3
.  Form up like a diamond around the blocker, we can do this!
BETH
Yeah!  Lets go!
Everyone else
Whatever.
ANNOUNCER
And as the clock ticks down it looks like this is going to be the last jam of the night.
The group skates out on the floor and into position on the track.
Cathy
Remember your positions ladies!
Random City Head Referee
Last Jam!
CATHY
Make it count ladies!
The Jam whistle blows and the other team immediately forms a line and starts driving the girls down or out of the way.  Denise and Evi don’t even fight back, Right as the jammer whistle blows Anna reaches down to her pocket and answers her phone.
Anna (into phone)
Hey, how are you doing?
AnnOUNCER
Looks like Anna is multi-tasking jamming and jabbering tonight.
ANNA (into PHONE)
Me?  Nothing much, we are going out tonight, coming with?
(beat) She gets knocked down, drops phone
Bitch?  I was trying to have a conversation here!
AnnOUNCER
And Anna goes down.
Picks up phone and throws it at other player.
Jam Referee (Whistles)
Black four-seven, Illegal procedure!
ANNOUNCER
Did Anna just throw her phone?  This is a mad-house!
Anna
Fuck
You Ref!
JAM REFEREE (wHISTLES)
Black four-seven, Insubordination, two minutes!
AnnOUNCER
And it looks like Anna is going to the box for the rest of the bout!  What a tough break for the home town ladies.
(BEAT)
And the Random City jammer calls off the jam, that’s the game folks, lets wait for the jam refs to make their calls….
The Jam ends the scoreboard shows the final score 141-53.
ANNOUNCER
And with the reports from the jam refs looks like the final score is Random City 141 over Harmony’s 53!
Back to the bench.
Beth
Anna, What the
fuck
was that?
ANNA
She made me drop my phone.
BETH
Why did you have your phone?
ANNA
Duh
, just in case someone calls me?
BETH
You could just call them back when we are not trying to play a
fucking
sport!
ANNA
Oh.
(beAT)
I didn’t think of that.
Cathy
Its
ok
Beth, are you coming with us tonight?
Evi
Lets go get
fucking
drunk!
Denise
Hell Yeah, best part of the whole game, getting
fucked
up afterwards!
Evi (looking to Beth and Cathy)
Hells yeah, I think Anna’s buying the first round, come on you two, come with us.
BETH
I am not so sure, I think I might go back to the hotel and watch TV.
CATHY
I may join you, want to pick up a six pack?
BETH
And maybe some Icy-Hot.
Denise
You two are losers, come on, lets go get
shitty
!
Evi
Yeah, lets go!
ANNA
After my
fuck
up it looks like I am buying first round!
Cathy
No,
thats
ok
, you guys have fun.
Now our attention goes to the quieter end of the bench.
Gabby
So what do you think, should we join the crazies, or should we go with the normal people.
Holly
Well, as much as watching TV sounds attractive right now, if I wanted to be like everyone else I would not have joined derby.
GABBY
Ok
, Bar it is then.
HOLLY
Yeah, what is the worst that could happen?
Afterparty
They arrive at the bar, the two teams are milling about, nothing that crazy going on, Evi and Anna walk in.
EVI
Where is the party ladies!  Lets get this
shit
started!  Anna, where is that drink you owe me?
Anna
One second, do you see Steve?
EVI
Who the
fuck
is Steve?
ANNA
The guy I was trying to talk to, he is
sooo
hot.
EVI
Why don’t you call him?
ANNA
I broke my phone when I threw it.
EVI
Well, that’s what you get, well that and you get to buy me a drink.
ANNA
Well, what do you want anyway?
EVI
Get me a skinny bitch!  I need vodka!  Now!
A few hours later, sidewalk outside a bar at closing time.
Evi (CONT’D)
What the
fuck
you going to do man?
Guy
You think your tough?
EVI
Do you think your tough enough?
GUY
Ah
shit
, I guess we will see.
Guy goes to grab Evi and lifts her up, Evi swings her legs around his head to choke him out and grabs him by the ears.
EVI
On your knees bitch!  On you knees!  Submit!
Guy (gurgling)
Never!
Policeman
Ok
you two!  Break it up.
EVI
Oh, but we were just having fun.
POLICEMAN
Don’t care, up against the car.
EVI
Oh, what the
fuck
?  I thought I was suppose to be the victim all of the time.
POLICEMAN
I remember you from last time you were in town, now up against the car.
Evi gets hauled off, the guy gets hauled off too, but we don’t care about that.
Team meeting
Head Ref
Ok
ladies, listen up.
Anna
One
sec
, let me finish this text.
HEAD REF
Anna, put the phone away
(BEAT)
What the
fuck
happened last bout?
Denise
We got our asses kicked.
RefEREE
What else happened?
Evi
You had to pick me up at the jail?
HEAD REF
Well, I am less than happy about that, but talking about the bout, what happened?
REFEREE
Speaking of which we really should try to prevent that in the future.
Gabby
We fell apart because everyone just did there own thing?
HEAD REF
Yes!  Excellent, anything else?
Beth
They simply over powered us.
HEAD REF
Were they individually that good?
ReFEREE
Or was it that they over powered the people who were actually trying to play.
Cathy
They didn’t over-power us personally, but they worked together well.
HEAD REF
And how did we do at working together.
BETH
We didn’t.
HEAD REF
Exactly, and what was the end result.
DENISE
We got our asses handed to us.
HEAD REF
So what should we work on.
Cathy
Teamwork?
HEAD REF
Perfect, is everyone with me?
Anna answers her phone.
ANNA
Hey!  I am at practice, what do you want to do tonight.
Head ref just shakes his head and looks at the floor.
REFEREE (to head ref)
Ever get the feeling your talking to a wall?
THE PRACTICE
HEAD REF
Ok
, I want two white blockers, one black helper, one black jammer, lets go.
Beth and Cathy skate out in white, Denise in black, Anna skates up with the star pantie on and a pink shirt.
Head REF (CONT’D)
Anna, what color shirt are you wearing?
ANNA
Um
, pink,
duh
.  But just pretend that its black.
BETH
How long have we been telling people white and black shirts for practice?
Cathy
Its been pretty much that way since the beginning.
HEAD REF
How many times have I asked you to bring a white and a black shirt to practice?
ANNA
But I hate those colors, unless its like a black leather mini or something, it makes my skin look bad.
HEAD REF
This is practice, not a fashion show, do you have another shirt?
ANNA
What the hell?  Do you think I bring my closet to practice?
HEAD REF
Nope, just your phone.
(BEAT)
Ok
, I guess in Anna’s world pink is black, lets try this.
BETH
This is ridiculous.
CatHY
Fear not, eventually she will retire.
Head ref blows the whistle and the pack starts skating, some just take off, some just kind of amble off the line.  Anna answers her phone.
HEAD REF
Anna?  What the
fuck
are you doing?
Anna
(Into phone)
One
sec
, they are yelling at me.
(to ref)
I am answering my phone,
duh
, its Steve, he’s really cute!
Beth
Come on Anna, can’t you save it for later?
CATHY
Apparently not.
HeAD REF
I do not care if Steve is cute, this is practice, put the phone away.
Anna
(Into phone)
Hey, I got to let you go, call me later.
The Bench
Gabby
Do you think they will ever get this figured out?
Holly
I kind of doubt it.
GABBY
Maybe we should see if we can recruit enough people to replace them all.
HOLLY
With our record, we would never be able to keep them.  I think that these girls guarantee their spots through there own incompetence driving everyone else away.
GABBY
I do believe your on to something.
Head REF
Holly, Jam, Gabby, you help, Evi, Denise, stay out there as blockers.
GABBY
Show time.
Holly and Gabby go out and skate, Evi and Denise are blocking, Holly and Gabby do one quick move work together and Holly blows through.
HEAD REF
That was good Gabby and Holly!
Ok
people, what did they do there?
Evi
They skated.
HEAD REF
And what did you do?
EVI
I skated.
HEAD REF
Well, have you ever heard of something like blocking, or God forbid, knock a bitch down?
EVI
I save that for the afterparty!
Evi and Denise high five, the Ref face-palms.
HEAD REF
You know if you put as much energy into the bout as you did to the afterparty maybe we could actually win a bout.
EVI
But then I would be tired at the afterparty.
HEAD REF
But think of how rewarding it would be to win a bout!
EVI
Yeah, I suppose, but I would be tired and sweaty, and if I was sore I wouldn’t want to get into fights.
HEAD REF
And maybe, just maybe we can have an out of town bout that doesn’t end with me having to pick you up at jail.
EVI
What fun would that be?
HEAD REF
Ok
, moving on.
The rest of the practice proceeds as it started, a bunch of wasted time, stupid moves and general
douche-baggery
.
Head REF (CONT’D)
Anna!  Get off the phone!
ANNA (INTO PHONE)
Hey, I gotta go.
HEAD REF
Do you ever put that thing away?
ANNA
When I am not on it.
HEAD REF
Have you considered maybe putting it in your bag during practice?
ANNA
But what if someone calls me.
HEAD REF (too floor)
This is like arguing with a
fucking
wall.
(BEAT)
Screw it!  We only have a few minutes left, one quick round of queen of the rink and we are out of here.
The girls all line up on the pivot line to play queen of the rink.
HEAD REF
You know the rules, tight pack for one lap and then start, you fall, get knocked out of bounds or commit a penalty and your done.  Start on the first whistle, you can make contact on the second.
(WHISTLES)
OK, nice tight pack, Anna off the phone!
ANNA
Oh fine….
The girls make a tight pack as the refs circle around the inside watching them
Head REF
Ok
, get ready.
Beth gets knocked down right off the bat, Anna starts laughing at her and then realizes her phone is ringing reaches for it gets taken out by Gabby.
(WHISTLES)
Beth, your down!  Anna, your down!
ANNA
Hey, you can’t hit me when I am on the phone!
Gabby
Why not?
HeAD REF
Why not?
ANNA
Its just mean?
HEAD REF
Looked fine to me.
Head ref skates off chuckling and continues to call people out as they fall or commit penalties.  Finally it gets down to Gabby and Evi.
Evi
I’m coming for you little girl.
GABBY
Oh
shit
,
shit
,
shit
.
Evi comes over to make a hit on Gabby, gabby tucks down on her skates and takes a glancing blow from Evi’s hip across the top of her shoulder and tapping the helmet.
HEAD REF
High Block!  Evi, your out!
Evi
What the
fuck
?  She ducked down!
HEAD REF
Yeah, you can do that, then you proceeded to hit her and missed the legal contact zone.
EVI
Legal contact zone?  What the
fuck
?
HEAD REF
You know, the diagrams in the rules that explain what you can hit with, and where you can hit.
EVI
You expect me to read the rules?
HEAD REF
It would be nice.
The girls all skate around the track the other way as a cool down and then filter off to get changed out of there derby stuff.
EVI
Who is going to the bar?
CatHY
I’m in, this time I guess.
Denise
Why the hell not.
GabbY (to Holly)
Do you want to go?
HoLLY
Why not, they can’t be as bad when we are in our own town.
GABBY
Ok
, were in!
BETH
Cool, I don’t think we have had you two out yet?  You know where to go?
GABBY
Yeah, I have been there before.
HOLLY
I am riding with here, so she better know where we are going.
BetH
Hey refs!  You guys coming?
HeAD REF
After dealing with you girls for two hours can you imagine me not wanting a beer?
BETH
Point taken.
EVI
But we are so sweet!
HEAD REF
Sweet as in “sweet Jesus, what the
fuck
is she trying to get away with now.”
or
“Sweet Jesus, what the
fuck
was that?”
EVI
Exactly.
The girls all get there stuff packed up and leave the rink.
Post practice
Evi
Hey bartender!  Skinny bitch, right here!
Bartender
Ok
, Evi, coming right up.
Holly
What is a skinny bitch?
EvI
Vodka!  With diet soda sprayed near it.
HOLLY
Oh, looks dangerous.
EvI
Nonsense.  Skinny bitches make Evi happy, well one of them makes me happy, two of them make me want to party, three of them and I want to get in a fight.
GabbY
Your right, sounds dangerous.
Bartender
You two, your new, got
IDs
?
GABBY
Yeah, here.
Hands bartender ID, Holly does same.
BARTENDER
Ah, fresh meat, thanks girls.
Hands them
IDs
back.
BarTENDER (CONT’D)
What can I get you two?
GaBBY
Beer, pitcher of….
Looks at the taps.
HollY
Get the Grain Belt.
GABBY
Grain Belt, yeah.
BaRTENDER
Brain melt it is, that will be five bucks.
Holly grabs a five and a pair of ones out of here purse, hands it to bartender.  Bartender grabs them some mugs and the pitcher of beer.
BARTENDER (CONT’D)
Thanks ladies, have fun.
Holly
I sure hope we will.
Evi has walked to a large table at the back of the bar where some college kids were studying, she grabs the one kids notebook and tosses it across the room.  He gets up to retrieve it and she takes his chair.  The friends that he was with all vacate as well and the derby girls take the table.
Evi
I love it how they always save a table for us.
Denise
No kidding, I am so happy those kids exist.  If this was a biker bar that would be a lot harder to pull off.
EVI
Yeah, but I could get more dates.
DENISE
You would jut beat them up anyway.
EVI
Meh
, whatever works.
The group starts drinking and the roller girls are being loud and obnoxious.  Gabby and Holly seem a bit overwhelmed.  The refs grab a free table nearby.
Evi (CONT’D)
Who needs shots!
Gabby
No way, I have to drive.
EVI
Oh come on…
Holly
I’ll take her shot, she is driving me anyway.
EVI
Your already getting one, you want to do two?
HOLLY
(
hesitantly
)I guess…
GabbY
Thanks Holly.
Holly
I will be fine with two as long as it isn’t something too nasty.
Evi (yelling)
Hey, bartender! I need a round of whiskey shots!
Bartender
Well you better come up here and get them, I know better than to venture out with you girls.
EVI
Oh your no fun.
GABBY
Hey, I am going to go say hi to our refs.
HoLLY
I am going to sit here and get drunk I guess.
Evi
Hey Holly, I saw that face when I said whiskey, I got a solution for that.
(yelling, bad british accent)
Hey barkeep, mind getting me a pussy wash with that as well?
BaRTENDER
Cheerio
m’lady
.
HollY
How is it I don’t want to know.
Evi
Nah
, just a glass of soda, washes it down.
HOLLY
I think that is the nicest thing I have ever heard of you doing.
EVI
Well, your a newbie still, can’t kill you yet.
HOLLY
Yet…
Meanwhile down at the ref table.
Head REF
For a clockwise block you have to look at the direction of the skates relative to the track, well actually just one of them.
ReFEREE
Oh,
ok
, so if the skates, or skate break the perpendicular as the block is committed…
HEAD REF
Yeah, now you got it.
REFEREE
Excellent.
GABBY
Hey, mind if I join you two.
HEAD REF
Sure, grab a chair.
GABBY
So I have a question for you two, what do you think that this team needs to actually win a bout.
REFEREE
Other than playing against a team made up of senior citizens?
HEAD REF
I think she means to win a fair bout.
GABBY
Yeah, like a real bout against a real team.
HEAD REF
Well we do have some talent right now.
GABBY
Then what do we need to do?
REFEREE
We need to basically get a new team if we want to win, the one we have now wont cut it.
GABBY
What do you mean?
REFEREE
One girl might be able to stop one opposing player, but in the pack you have four opposing players, one girl can’t stop four of them.
GABBY
But we have four players, why can’t we each just concentrate on one player each.
REFEREE
Because the four players we are playing against know how to play as a team, we play as individuals.
GABBY
Oh, I see what your getting at.
HeAD REF
If you have two people working together it is a lot more formidable that one player playing by herself.  If you have all four playing together then it is like a pack of death.
GABBY
Well, how do you fix that?
HEAD REF
You need a coach, unfortunately, we can’t do that.
GABBY
Why not?  You are the refs, you know the game, why can’t you coach?
HEAD REF
Well, we have to maintain a separation between ourselves as officials and ourselves as team members, we are not really part of the team, we are more like groupies with stripes.
REFEREE
That and we have the wrong equipment.
GABBY
Wrong equipment?
HEAD REF
Between our legs.
GABBY
Ohhhh
.
REFEREE
It was made clear to us a long time ago by the core of the team over there what our place in this league is, we get to wear the stripes but they wear the pants.
GABBY
Is there anyway that you could just give us little hints, point us along?
HEAD REF
We try, but it doesn’t work, they will do what they want to do, and unless something happens that starts to challenge them as the dominant players in the league it will never change.
GABBY
What if you found some new dominant players in the league?
HEAD REF
Well, with the way that they dominate the practices and make sure that we never actually get any learning done they kind of prevent anyone from ever getting good enough to make it to that level.
GABBY
Couldn’t you do something to help some girls get to that level?
REFEREE
Once again, wrong equipment, they would flip out.
GABBY
What if you didn’t tell them?
HEAD REF
But if we had a special practice at the rink they would figure it out, they may not be dedicated to learning but they are always around the rink, they would figure it out.
GABBY
What if you held it elsewhere?
REFEREE
Like where?
GABBY
They just repaved a parking lot at the school, and it is summer, it usually wide open.
HEAD REF
That would be a good place to learn how to skate, get some outdoor wheels, but you need more that skating skills, you need teamwork.
GABBY
What if one of you came up some time and coached outdoors?
HEAD REF
Still wrong equipment.
REFEREE
Well, if it was done on the down-low, I suppose it would not hurt, but who would come?
GABBY
Well, I know I could get Holly out there, maybe some of the other new girls would come too.
REFEREE
Hmmmm
, outdoor ninja practice, I think I might like this idea.
Gabby
Ok
, lets do it, give me your number and I will see if we can find an evening that will work for all of us.
REFEREE
Ok
, sounds good.
They exchange numbers and then Gabby goes back to check on Holly.  Holly has gotten drunk and she goes and pours her into a car to bring her home.
HOLLY
So what were you talking about with the refs?
GABBY
We were talking about what is wrong with this team and how to fix it.
HOLLY
Did the answer involve murders?  I got a cousin who had a dead hooker removal web site, maybe derby girls would be close enough.
GABBY
No, we were talking about having a ninja practice, super secret, trying to teach the
newbies
to be better that the girls that are there now.
HOLLY
I can see that going over like a lead balloon.
GABBY
Or maybe it will force the old girls to have to change their style of play to keep up with the
newbies
and everyone will win.
HOLLY
Oh hey, didn’t think of that, I saw you got the cute ref’s number too.
GABBY
Just so I can have him come and coach us.
HOLLY
Oh yeah, justify it anyway you want, admit it, you like him.
GABBY
Nah
, I don’t like vertical stripes.
UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL
The referee, Holly, Gabby, and two other girls are getting their skates and pads on in the parking lot.
REFEREE
You were right, this is a really nice lot.  Everyone had outdoor wheels right?
Holly
Outdoor wheels?
REFEREE
Yeah, I usually just take my oldest pair of wheels and declare them to be outdoor wheels, then I don’t care if they get torn up, usually outdoor wheels are softer, makes it easier to deal with bumps and what-not.
HOLLY
Oh, I don’t have outdoor wheels, I was thinking of replacing these ones though.
GABBY
Congratulations!  You have outdoor wheels.
HOLLY
Yeah!  Go me!
GABBY
So, Referee, what are we going to do today?
RefEREE
Not sure, with only four of us here I was thinking of some hitting pace lines, can’t really scrimmage.
GABBY
Well, actually getting practice giving hits instead of just receiving them would be a nice change.
REFEREE
That’s what I was thinking.
(BEAT)
Ok
girls, line up, skate around in an oval about here, lets warm up, when I blow the whistle everyone squat skate, when I blow it twice, do a knee stop and take off the other direction, go!
The girls do exactly as they are told and the ref skates along with them, checking his stop watch and blowing the whistle.
HoLLY (to gabby)
So, this is what a real practice is suppose to be like, huh?
GaBBY (tO HOLLY)
Appears so.
They finish the drill, the ref blows the end jamming whistles (four short), they all skate to the center.
REFEREE
Ok
, Holly, lead stretches.
HOLLY
Ok
, arms across….
(BEAT)
And over the top…
They stretch, then the ref blows the whistle and they all huddle to the center of the lot.
RefEREE
OK, I want you to form a pace line, skate at about 50%, person from the back weaves through the line hip checking each girl as she goes by., After you all have gone through from the back, start over front person going to the back this time.
HOLLY
After we go through the cycle do you want us to cycle through it again?
REFEREE
Um
, no, I am actually going to change it up.
HOLLY
Ok
.
GABBY
Got, lets roll ladies!
RefEREE
Ok
, nice line, fifty percent, I am going to be calling penalties and making commentary, so keep it legal.
The girls skate out and in a big oval weaving through and hip checking.  Gabby starts side skating, flipping to always have her back to the blocker.
Holly
Damn girl what are you trying to do?
GABBY
Think about it, how can they hit me if I have my back to them?
Derby Girl
Like this!
Derby Girl comes in and tries to just push Gabby out of bounds with the shoulder.
REFEREE
White 42!  Back Block!
DERBY GIRL
What the hell?
REFEREE
You hit her in the back!
DERBY GIRL
But I was right beside her, how are you suppose to hit them if they are like that?
REFEREE
You get in their way, try to get them to hit you, positionally block, but you can’t touch them.
DERBY GIRL
But that’s like cheating!
GABBY
No it isn’t, I have seen other teams do it.
REFEREE
Its fine, and it is legal, if you want to side skate around the inside, and you are quick enough and good enough on your feet to pull it off it is a great maneuver.  But it does have its disadvantages.
The girls skate out and Gabby goes sideways again, she tries to go to the inside, but the rest of the people blocking her all form up on the line and don’t give her a space to slide through.
GABBY
Huh, I guess it doesn’t always work.
REFEREE
No, but it will sometimes, so what you do is adjust your tactic to how they are defending.  If they are giving enough of a gap to sneak through and you can side skate through the hole, do that, if they are defending against that find something else that works.
The rest of the practice is just drills, drills, drills.  Gets to the end of the time, everybody cools down and then starts getting ready to leave.
GABBY
Hey, thanks for helping us out!
HOLLY
Yeah, this was a lot more effective than the normal practices.
REFEREE
No problem, maybe we can recruit some more people for next time.
GABBY
There were a few more people that may come next week, and I will talk to some people about what we are doing, see if they want in.
REFEREE
Sounds good, just keep me from getting in trouble with the league and I will be happy.
GABBY
Well, you know that they are going to find out eventually.
REFEREE
Yeah, but as long as by the time they find out we have already developed something that they can see and appreciate, it should be
ok
.  Have a nice night girls, I have to go and get some work done.
GABBY
Ok
, good night!
Holly
Good night!
DERBY GIRL
Yeah, talk to you later.
Next Practice
REFEREE
Cool it looks like we have a few more people here tonight.
GABBY
I think that the word is starting to get out that we are doing this.
REFEREE
Cool, The more people we have the more we can do.
GABBY
Do you have some ideas for today?
REFEREE
Yes, I think its endless jammer time.
GABBY
What is that?
REFEREE
You will see.
Ok
, everyone on the pivot line except you three, Gabby, Holly, and you in the red, you three on the jammer line.
HOLLY
What are we doing?
REFEREE
Endless Jammer.  You in the pack, about half of you are wearing white, the other half is wearing other colors.  You work to either hinder of help the appropriate jammer as they come through.  Speed up the pack, slow it down, whatever is needed.  Now as for you jammers, we have one person in red, and two in white, you all follow twenty feet behind the pack as it works its way around, you go one at a time trying to work through the pack, once one person makes it, the next person goes.  I will be switching people out of the pack and into the jammers as we go along, lets go!
Blows whistle, the girls start skating.  Holly Goes first.
Girl in Pack
Jammer Coming!
Holly
Make a hole!  Make a hole!
GIRL IN PACK
Jammer Outside!
Holly approaches outside and her teammates make a hole to the inside, she dives inside and squeezes through.
Red Jammer
Ok
, I guess I will go next.
RefEREE
Holly, tag one of the girls on your team out and join the pack, she can go into the jammer cycle.
HOLLY
Ok
, got it.
Holly skates back, picks one girl who skates up to join the jammers.
RED JAMMER
Make a hole!
Holly
Jammer coming outside, form a wall!  Form a wall!
Red Jammer gets hung up in the pack but eventually fights her way through.
RED JAMMER
That looks a lot easier from back there, wow.
ReFEREE
Defence makes a big difference.
RED JAMMER
Those walls are effective, its hard to get a shoulder in to push through.
REFEREE
Walls, and also diamonds, when you can form them.
Ok
Gabby, go ahead.
GaBBY
On it.
Red JAMMER
Form up!  Form up, jammer coming, make a wall.
Red Jammer gets the pack to form up, traps one opposing blocker behind, the rest of the opposing blockers are in front just hanging out.
GABBY
Break up that wall!
RED JAMMER
Keep it solid, hold it tight!
GABBY
Come on girls!  Help your jammer.
Gabby tries to fight her way through, gets a shoulder in but then gets twisted up and goes down hard.
RefEREE
Gabby, are you
ok
?
GABBY
No,
fuck
….
REFEREE
Take a knee!
The referee skates over to find out what happened.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
What happened, where did you hit?
GABBY
I came down on my wrist.
REFEREE
How did it hit?
GABBY
Palm down, I think I may have broke it.
REFEREE
OK, we should go get that one checked, do you want a ride to the hospital?
GABBY
Yes. (
smiles
at him)
REFEREE
Ok
.
Referee stands up and turn around to the rest of the girls kneeling on the track.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
Hey, I am going to take her to the hospital, get her wrist checked out.  Feel free to continue doing some drills, but keep the hitting down to a minimum.
HOLLY
I will lead them through some stuff.
ReFEREE
Ok
, sounds god, let me know how it goes, I will call you later when we know how things are.
GaBBY
Keep them safe Holly.
HoLLY
You got it girl.
REFEREE
Ok
, lets go.
Referee leads Gabby to his car, they drive off to the hospital.
The Hospital
Doctor
So, let me guess, derby girl?
Gabby
How did you guess.
DOCTOR
Well, your here with a guy in stripes, and I have seen this injury before.
RefEREE
So what do you think Doctor?
DOCTOR
Well, we will have to x-ray it, sometimes you break either the end of the Radius, or the Scaphoid bone.
GABBY
Well, lets get the x-rays going and see what we have.
DOCTOR
Ok
, lets go.
Gabby goes off to get her had x-rayed, the Referee waits in the waiting room.  After a few minutes she comes back and has a seat.
ReferEE
So, on a level of one to ten.  Are you safe at home?
GABBY
Oh I am fine at home, four, I am only in danger when I leave the house.
REFEREE
So, you are saying this was caused by Goblins?
GABBY
Gremlins, they are very mean.
REFEREE
Would you like to talk to one of our councillors, see if there is anything we can do about these gremlins?
GABBY
I am not sure how much you could do, they are kind of ephemeral.
REFEREE
So your are saying next time they are going to try to break your legs?
GABBY
Actually I am pretty sure they are plotting to booby trap my sidewalk.
REFEREE
Are you going to need an escort to make sure your safe.
GABBY
Maybe.
REFEREE
How about dinner?
GABBY
Maybe.
The doctor walks into the room with the x-ray in his hand.
DOCTOR
Ok
, lets see what we have here.
GABBY
I bet they are going to have to amputate.
ReFEREE
Well, if they did you would not have to wear a wrist guard on the stump I don’t think.
DOCTOR
Cute.  Actually I don’t see anything here that would require amputation.  Looks like you just got a healthy sprain, I would ice it, take some ibuprofen for the pain.  I am going to give you a wrist brace, and I would take a break from skating until it feels a bit better.  It will likely hurt for a while, but it will get better.
REFEREE
How long do you think?
DOCTOR
I would look at it in a week or so, make sure there is nothing that was not evident, but by then it should start to feel better.  You should be fine to skate after that, but I would like to x-ray it again in a week or so.
GABBY
Ok
, I guess I can handle that.
DOCTOR
I have a nice fancy wrist brace for you, I don’t think it is sufficient for skating, but it is likely a lot more comfortable.
ReFEREE
Well, at least it doesn’t look like it is broken.
DOCTOR
Sometimes if it is broken it actually heals faster than if it is sprained, but since you had wrist guards on when you did hurt it, that took a lot of the force off.
REFEREE
Well, that’s good.  You wanna go?
GaBBY
Are you going to buy me dinner?
REFEREE
I suppose I could do that.
GABBY
Ok
, lets tell the team how thing are before we go though.
REFEREE
I will text Holly, she will tell everyone else.
GABBY
Oh yeah, she is good for that.
Doctor
Yeah, just check out with the front desk, we are pretty much done here.
ReferEE
Thanks, so, what do you think, pick you up at seven?
GaBBY
That sounds good.  I suppose you will know where I live now since you have to give me a ride home.
REFEREE
I guess I will.
The referee and Gabby walk out of the doctors office.
Holly comes home
Gabby
So how did the rest of the practice go?
HolLY
Good, we did some weaving and endurance stuff, decided to put the kibosh on having any more hitting drills.
GABBY
That was likely a good idea.
HOLLY
So what did the doctor say about the wrist?
GABBY
I have to go back in a week and make sure that nothing is really messed up, but it should be fine.
HOLLY
I am so happy you didn’t actually break it.
GABBY
Me too.
HOLLY
So still hating vertical stripes.
GABBY
I think that they are starting to grow on me.
HOLLY
Oh really.
GABBY
Yeah, we are going to go to dinner tonight.
HOLLY
Huh?
GABBY
Yeah, we were joking around while we were at the doctor’s office and in among joking about gremlins he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.
HOLLY
Well, anything else?
GABBY
Nothing yet, I guess we will find out tonight.
Dinner
Referee walks up to Gabby’s door and rings the doorbell.
Gabby
Hey, its nice to see you not in stripes.
ReFEREE
Well, I wear them on the inside when I am not on skates.
GABBY
Hmmm
, So when are you not in ref mode?
REFEREE
I keep it suppressed when I am in public, it does come out when I drive sometimes.
GABBY
So when you rear-end some one do you hold your hands up trying to say its not a back block?
REFEREE
That and I occasionally call illegal procedures or lead jammer.
GABBY
So, where are we going tonight?
REFEREE
Do you like Mexican?
GABBY
Sure.
REFEREE
The Hacienda it is then.
They walk down to the referee’s car and get in.
GABBY
So, what do you do other than ref?
REFEREE
In the real world I have a boring office job.  I basically just shuffle papers around all day.  How about you?
GABBY
I am still going to school, so I have not gotten to the point of getting a real job yet.  I work in a coffee shop to pay my bills. I usually work early mornings so I get done long before we do any of the derby stuff.
REFEREE
Yeah, I have been just taking half days for when we have derby stuff, it has been slow and I have a bunch of
comp
time they want me to burn up anyway.
GABBY
That is cool, I was wondering how you ended up with afternoons off al of the time.
REFEREE
I figure I should have enough
comp
time to finish out the summer, then we will have to figure something else out.  But the nice thing is that I have weekends off all of the time.
GABBY
That is really nice.  I don’t always have weekends off, but most of the time I do.  There is a weekday morning crowd that likes me, so I get the morning shifts all of the time.
REFEREE
Well, how could they not like you.
GABBY
(chuckles) I am not sure how anyone could not like me.
They arrive at the restaurant.
Hostess
How many?
ReFEREE
Two.
HOSTESS
Right this way.
REFEREE
Thanks.
GaBBY
I don’t think I have ever actually eaten here.
REFEREE
I like it.  It is pretty casual.
HostESS
Here you go.  Can I get you anything to drink?
REFEREE
I will take a Margarita.
GabbY
Oh, me too.
HoSTESS
Do you have
IDs
?
GABBY
Sure, (digs in purse) here you go.
HOSTESS
Thanks.
ReFEREE
Here’s mine.
HOSTESS
Ok
, good, two
Margaritas
coming up.
REFEREE
I hope not, not right away anyway.
HOSTESS
Huh?
GABBY
You goof (taps him in the stomach).
ReFEREE
Sorry, it just spilled out.
GABBY
Well, don’t let it happen again.
REFEREE
Oh, please?
GABBY
Ok
, maybe, but try to make it a better joke next time.
REFEREE
I will try, I can’t make any promises though.
Hostess (monotone)
Here are your
Margaritas
, and some chips, our special tonight is
quesadilla
con
queso
for $8.49 or
quesadilla
ranchero for $8.99.  I will be back in a minute.
REFEREE
Wow, I wonder if she says that in her sleep.
GabbY
Well, there is only one way to find out.
REFEREE
Seduce her?  Here?  I have found in the past that when I seduce one girl while at dinner with another it never turns out well.
GABBY
You have found this out in the past?
REFEREE
Well, Not really, but I am guessing.
GABBY
Ok
, that is better, but that is not what I meant.
REFEREE
Ok
, then what, ask her?
GABBY
Are you crazy, even if she does she would never admit it.
REFEREE
Ok
, so what is the solution.
GABBY
Dice.
REFEREE
Wha
?  Dice?
GABBY
Yep, Dice, always keep a pair of percentile dice on me for this very reason.
REFEREE
Ok
, so how does this work?
GABBY
Simple (reaches into purse and pulls out two ten sided dice) You ask the dice your question and then roll.  Here, try it.
REFEREE
Ok
.  Dear dice, does the waitress talk about the specials in her sleep?
Referee Rolls the dice they come up with a 60 and a 2.
Gabby
Hmmm
, sixty two percent chance.  Looks to me like she does.
REFEREE
Interesting, very interesting.  Lets see what else we can determine.
GABBY
Just be careful the dice are a very powerful thing.
REFEREE
Hmm, Magic dice, should I have the
quesadilla
con
Queso
tonight?
Referee rolls dice, gets a 90 and a 6.
GABBY
Looks like you are not going to be the only thing that is cheesy tonight.
REFEREE
Hmmm
, amazing.
Hostess
So, have you decided on anything?
RefEREE
Yeah, I am going to get the
Quesadilla
con
Queso
.
HOSTESS
Do you want that mild, medium, or hot.
REFEREE
Medium
HOSTESS
Ok
, and for you
maam
?
GABBY
And I am going to get the
Quesadilla
Rancheros.
HOSTESS
Would you like that Mild, medium, or hot.
GABBY
Um
Medium.
HoSTESS
Do you both want that with refried beans and Spanish rice on the side?
GABBY
Yeah, that sounds good.
RefEREE
Yeah.  Sounds good.
HoSTESS
Ok
, that will be up in a bit for you.
REFEREE
So other than working at a coffee shop, and keeping dice in your purse, what else do you do?
GABBY
Well, Roller derby, but you already know that.
REFEREE
Well, yeah, but other than roller derby.
GABBY
Not really that much actually.  I have been kind of a homebody lately.  Read, hang out with Holly, that is about it.
REFEREE
Hmmm
, so your trying to say that you don’t have a bundle of boyfriends hiding in your closet.
GABBY
Nope, have not been out enough to wrangle any I guess.  So, what, other than work and roller derby do you do?
REFEREE
Well, when I am not reading the rules or skating around blowing my whistle and yelling at people I go out occasionally, but also like to sit at home and read.
GABBY
Read?  Like what?
REFEREE
Actually?  I have been on a dry Russian novel kick.
GABBY
Oh?  Which ones?
REFEREE
I just finished Dr.
Zhivago
, now working on reading the Idiot.
GABBY
I don’t think I would look to either of those for
relasionship
advice.
REFEREE
Well before that I read Anna
Karinina
, I suddenly had a new respect for the usefulness of trains.
GABBY (in cheesy Russian accent)
This is
Vronsky’s
suicide prevention
hotline
, please do not throw yourself under the train.
REFEREE (in simpish voice)
Oh, but I don’t know, I got a baby with a guy I cheated on my husband with and I am not sure if I love the older crabby Russian or the younger irresponsible Russian.  I just can’t decide.
GABBY (In CHEESY RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Maam
, think of the children, please
maam
, think of the children.
REFEREE (IN SIMPISH VOICE)
Whoops, too late.
Splat
.
GABBY
Oh, that’s horrible.
REFEREE
Even scarier is that we both know the references.
GABBY
I guess sometimes being literate is a good thing.
REFEREE
Either that or these
Margaritas
are stronger than we think.
GABBY
Its a possibility.
REFEREE
So, how is the wrist feeling?
GABBY
Its feeling pretty good actually.  It is sore, but not too bad.
REFEREE
It is a good thing that Roller Derby requires full pads for pretty much every bout, practice, and everything.
GABBY
Yeah, it is.  I guess it saves a lot of trouble that way.
REFEREE
It does, I know that it has saved me a lot of trouble before.
GABBY
So, speaking of derby, what do you think of this league?  Is there any hope?
REFEREE
I think there is hope, but it is not with the core we have now.  They have become complacent.
GABBY
Complacent?
REFEREE
Yeah, they don’t seem to want to actually have to do any work.  They want to be the stars but they wont admit that they are holding everyone back in order to maintain that.
GABBY
I am sure they would be stars anyway.
REFEREE
Some of them could be, easily.  But they want to be able to be the stars without actually doing any work in the process.  They want it to just be that way without them having to put any effort into trying to get better.
GABBY
That kind of sucks.
REFEREE
The biggest thing is that they disrupt and hold the practices back, so no one is really getting any better.
GABBY
Of course now we have our own practices.
REFEREE
And I think that they are going to make a difference.
GABBY
Force the old crew to step up.
REFEREE
Yeah, make them work when they realize that people are getting better no matter how much they try to keep them from doing so.
GABBY
I like the way you think.
REFEREE
I like…
GABBY
Yes?
REFEREE
Oh, nothing.
GABBY
So, on another subject, how did you get involved in this?
REFEREE
I actually got started about two years ago.  I was living in Portland at the time.  I started as a
NSO
, as they actually had dedicated
NSOs
there.  It was a completely different animal than here.
GABBY
They actually had non-skating officials they would keep?
REFEREE
Yeah, it was really cool.  The whole staff would be trained so when you went to a bout everyone already knew their parts and would just go to their spots and do it.
GABBY
That is really cool.
REFEREE
It worked really well too.  The team was good too.  I had just started as a skating referee when I lost my job and came back here.
GABBY
Oh, that sucks.
REFEREE
Yeah, and then I ended up with this team where we have two refs and no
NSOs
, unless you count injured skaters.
GABBY
What a change that must have been.
REFEREE
It made it really hard at first, although it did allow me to get a huge jump up the scales on my refereeing.
GABBY
I suppose.
REFEREE
It is frustrating though, we could be a lot better.  I suppose that is why I am doing these secondary practices.  I want people to succeed, and the only way that they are going to do so is going to be if they work at it.
GABBY
And we are having more people show up now.
REFEREE
Yeah, the practice looked like it was going to go really well.
GABBY
Until I ruined it.
REFEREE
I don’t think it was ruined.  I talked to Holly after I dropped you off, I guess it went pretty well.
GABBY
So you don’t think that they are going to keel-haul me for ruining practice.
REFEREE
No, I think your going to do fine.
GABBY
Good, I was really worried about that.
REFEREE
Oh look!  Food.
HOSTESS
Here you go, plates are hot, can I get you anything else?
REFEREE
Two more of these
Margaritas
.
HOSTESS
Sounds good, I will be right back with those.
GABBY
These
Margaritas
are pretty good.
REFEREE
Lets hope this food is too.
GABBY
Wow, there is a lot here.
REFEREE
Yeah, this place specialized in feeding fat Americans.
GABBY
Either that or creating new ones.
REFEREE
Maybe.  I think it takes more than one meal to make a fat American.
GABBY
I hope so, if not I think we are both screwed.
REFEREE
Oh boy, here comes more
Maragritas
, I think that if not screwed at least we will both be drunk.
GABBY
Whee
!
About fifteen minutes later, the food is mostly gone, and the drinks are finished.
REFEREE
So, what do you think another round or shall we call it a night?
GABBY
I don’t know, I am thinking these are working pretty good.
REFEREE
Does that mean another round?
GABBY
Oh yeah, I think that means one more round, then we can call it a night.
REFEREE (waves at Hostess)
Yes, can we get one more round of these?
HoSTESS
Sure.
REFEREE
I guess I will take the tab then too.
HOSTESS
Ok
, I will be back in a moment.
REFEREE
Excellent.
GaBBY
Woo
Hoo
!  More
Margaritas
!
REFEREE
I am starting to wonder if another round was a good idea or not.
GABBY
I am
ok
, not to drive, but other than that I am fine.
REFEREE
I might suck down a water too, I had forgotten about that whole driving thing.
GABBY
Oh, whoops, I forgot about that too.
REFEREE
I know where I am, and I am
ok
, I am more worried about tomorrow morning.
GABBY
Drink a
Gatorade
before bed.
REFEREE
Yeah, that does seem to help, unfortunately I am out, and there are no convenience stores between my place and yours.
GABBY
I only have the half a bottle left at home from practice today too.
REFEREE
Ewww
, nasty backwash.
GABBY
Hey I am not that nasty.
REFEREE
No, your not.
GABBY
Good.
Hostess
Here you go, and here is your tab.
REFEREE
Thanks.
GABBY
You want to go dutch?
REFEREE
No, I got it, I will let you off for free tonight since you injured, when I get hurt you can pay for dinner.
GABBY
You got a deal mister.
REFEREE
So do you have to work tomorrow?
GABBY
Yeah, but I have an espresso machine that makes the mornings go just fine.
REFEREE
Oh, that sounds good.  I have a coffee machine at work but I am really not sure what the sludge that they are serving in there is.
GABBY
Does it look like coffee?
REFEREE
No, more like tea.
GABBY
Oh gross.  You could stop by tomorrow.  I can hook you up with a cup of coffee for the morning.
REFEREE
Oh, that sounds good.
GABBY
If your really nice I may even allow you to put cream and sugar in it.
REFEREE
Ewww
, coffee pollution.
GABBY
So, black coffee then?
REFEREE
I guess black coffee it is.  Not that I am racist about my coffee consumption, but I do really prefer it to be black.
GABBY
I could make you one of my evil little magic shots.
REFEREE
You little magic shots?
GABBY
Yeah, it is something I call a crack shot.  I really would not recommend having more than one of them, they are made of some pretty tough stuff.
REFEREE
What are they made of?
GABBY
Its a shot of espresso topped off with the cold press concentrate.
REFEREE
What is cold press.
GABBY
Oh that, its a way of cold brewing coffee, it ends up really smooth, but you are suppose to dilute it like five to one.
REFEREE
And you are using the stuff full strength?
GABBY
Yeah, there is a reason that I would not recommend having more than one of them.  Or if you have a history of heart problems or ulcers.
REFEREE
That sounds pretty interesting.
GABBY
So will I see you tomorrow?
REFEREE
I guess you will.
The Goodnight Kiss
REFEREE
Well I got you home without adding any more injuries.
GABBY
Thanks, I had a good time.
REFEREE
Maybe we can do it again sometime?
GABBY
I think that we can.
REFEREE
Woo
Hoo
!  I guess I wont feel strange about stopping by tomorrow for one of the crack shots then.
GABBY
I certainly hope that you wouldn’t.
REFEREE
Well, I will see you tomorrow then.  I guess I should get going.
GABBY
Yeah, I suppose you have to work early too.
REFEREE
Yeah I do….
Gabby steps up and plants a big kiss on him as he stands there, he is startled but figures it out.
GABBY
Hope I wasn’t being to forward.
REFEREE
No, I don’t think so.
GABBY
Good, wouldn’t want to scare you away, I am just starting to like having you around.
REFEREE
Me too.
They have another quick kiss and she goes inside, he walks back down the walkway to go home.
Holly questions Gabby
HOLLY
So how was your date?
GaBBY
It wasn’t a date.
HOLLY
It looked like a date from what I saw on the walk way.
GABBY
You were watching?
HOLLY
I heard you come home, I was in the kitchen making myself a
sammich
and heard you talking.
GABBY
Still, we are just friends.
HOLLY
Yeah friends that smooch on the sidewalk.
GABBY
That doesn’t mean anything.
HOLLY
So what, its only a date if you bring him in?
GABBY
Hey, I was a little tipsy, he was really nice.
HOLLY
Whatever happened to not liking vertical stripes?
GABBY
He wasn’t wearing stripes tonight, I can still not like him if he is wearing stripes.
HOLLY
The thing about refs, they always wear the stripes.
GABBY
What is that suppose to mean?
HOLLY
Oh nothing, it just that he is always going to be the ref.
GABBY
So.
HOLLY
Its not like your going to be able to expect preferential treatment when you are in a bout.
GABBY
Well, of course not.
HOLLY
But you will anyway.  He will call you for a penalty and then you wont talk to him for a week because of it.
GABBY
Oh come now, you know me better than that.
HOLLY
Oh just you wait, you will see what I am talking about.
GABBY
Your such a goof.  I am going to bed.
HOLLY
Well, sleep well, hold your pillow tight, whisper sweet derby nothings in its ear.
GABBY
Gah
, your incorrigible.
Coffee stop
Gabby
Hey referee!  I see your still alive.
ReFEREE
Yeah, I survived.  How are you feeling?
GABBY
The
Gatorade
did the trick, feeling just fine.
REFEREE
That’s amazing those
Margaritas
were pretty strong last night.
GABBY
I am a tough girl, so wanna try a crack shot?
REFEREE
Sure I guess I could handle one of those.  I think I will need it to get through today anyway.
GABBY
Tough day of paper shuffling ahead.
REFEREE
Oh yeah, we have been doing some reorganization of things lately, so mostly re-shuffling of papers today I think.
GABBY
Well, I will give you something to help with that.
Gabby goes and pulls a shot on the espresso machine, then tops it off with cold press.
GABBY (CONT’D)
Here you go.
REFEREE
Thanks.
Referee takes a sip and you can see him trying not to have his face curl up.  Another customer walks up in line behind him.
GABBY
So, pretty good huh?
REFEREE
Oh my God, that would strip paint.
GABBY
See why I wont give them to people with heart conditions.
REFEREE
Wow, I can already feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.
Customer
She gave you a crack shot didn’t she.
REFEREE
Yeah.  Pretty good, but wow!
CUSTOMER
Yeah those are pretty rough at first.
GABBY
Oh come on, they are tasty.
CUSTOMER
Tasty and lethal.
REFEREE
I think I like them.
GABBY
See, he likes it.  Here I will get you a cup of coffee to go too.
REFEREE
Hey thanks, so what do I owe ya?
GABBY
Bah
, you got dinner, I am getting this.
CuSTOMER
That and she works here, and this time of the morning what she says goes.
ReFEREE
I am starting to see how this works.
CUSTOMER
You will figure it out.
GabbY
So, John, cup of coffee and a bagel today?
CUSTOMER
You know me, can’t change.
GABBY
Wouldn’t expect you too.  Here you go Referee, give me a call later if you are bored.
ReFEREE
Ok
, will do.
Gabby
Later, have fun at work
REFEREE
You too.
CustOMER
So, what is it I am sensing here?
GabBY
Stuff it or your not getting your bagel John.
CuSTOMER
Stuffed.
GABBY
Good.
After Work
REFEREE (INTO PHONE)
Hey, Gabby, This is Referee, so, are you doing anything tonight? (
beat
)
Ok
, cool, I was going to go out with a couple of friends and grab a beer or three thought maybe if you wanted to come along. (
beat
)
Ok
, cool.  Pick you up at eight? (
beat
)
Ok
, that sounds great.  I will see you then.
Picking her up
The referee walks up to the door and rings the bell.
Referee
Hey.
Holly
Hey.  So, what are your intentions.
REFEREE
What?
HOLLY
This is my roommate, and I have to question your intentions.
REFEREE
While the plan was to take her out and have a few beers with friends and then we can all get to know each other.
HOLLY
So, your going to get my roommate drunk.
REFEREE
Not specifically.
HOLLY
Admit it!  Your just trying to get her drunk so you can play tonsil hockey on the front porch again!  I knew it.
GABBY (from inside)
Holly?  What the hell are you doing?
HOLLY
Oh, nothing, just protecting you soul!
REFEREE
I have no idea what is going on.
GABBY
Oh hell, Holly, be nice, not everyone has come face to face with your other side.
REFEREE
That’s not another side, that is a whole different personality.
HOLLY
Muw-ha-ha
!
REFEREE
Now I am kind of
scred
.  Does this happen
everytime
.
GABBY
Just full moons and when she is trying to put someone off balance.  Ignore her and she ill go away.
HOLLY
Oh fine, ruin my fun.  Have a good time!  And bring her home on time or…
Holly does the ‘eyes watching you’ thing with her fingers.
REFEREE
I think next time maybe I should have you pick me up.
GABBY
Oh, don’t worry about her.
REFEREE
Ok
, I guess.
GABBY
Of course if anyone ever hurt me she would likely be firing up the wood chipper in the garage and staying up all night plotting.
REFEREE
Why does none of this do anything to make me feel better.
GABBY
I am sure you will be fine.
REFEREE
Yeah, right up until I wake up in the wood chipper.
GABBY
I am pretty sure she keeps a stock pile of ether on hand for those situations.
REFEREE
What?
GABBY
I am just saying that you wont wake up.
REFEREE
This is not making me feel any better.
GABBY
But I am feeling really safe.
REFEREE
Oh,
ok
.  Yeah, I suppose.
They get to the bar.  There are a couple of guys sitting at a table with beers.
RefEREE (CONT’D)
Hey guys this is Gabby.  Gabby this is Mike, Tommy, and Joe.
GABBY
Hi guys.
Mike
Hi.  So Referee, you didn’t tell us you were bringing anyone.  Who is this?
REFEREE
She is one of the roller girls.
Tommy
Oh oh, I see where the conversation will be going tonight.
REFEREE
What is that suppose to mean?
TOMMY
Oh nothing.  It is just that I foresee some roller derby talk tonight.
GABBY
Like that is a bad thing.  Really what is wrong with talking about hot women in fishnets beating the
crap
out of each other.
TOMMY
Well,
um
….
Joe
I don’t see anything wrong with it.
ReFEREE
If it makes you feel better I can tell you all about the paperwork tsunami I have been dealing with at work.
GABBY
Oh, and I can tell you everything you ever didn’t want to know about coffee.
MIKE
Um
.  How about not.
TOMMY
We could just talk about the weather.
Joe
Sailing ships and sealing wax.
GABBY
And whether pigs have wings?
REFEREE
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you guys.
GABBY
I got a better idea.  How about if we just drink beer and see what comes up.
REFEREE
Ok
, sounds good.  Another pitcher?
TomMY
Yeah, this one looks like it is on life support.
REFEREE
I will get this one.
TOMMY
Ok
, I will sit here and prepare to drink your beer.
REFEREE
Gabby, you want anything special?
GABBY
Beer is good.
REFEREE
Ok
, coming up.
Meanwhile at the other end of the bar.
Evi
Hey look its our referee over there again.
Anna
And he is with the new girl.
EVI
Well, this is an interesting development.
ANNA
What are you thinking.
EVI
I think we will have to sit back and watch.  Wouldn’t want things to get out of hand between the referees and the skaters.  Next thing you know we will all have to put out.
ANNA
I could do that.
Evi
Well, I know that.  But the rest of us may not be as willing.
ANNA
I was just kidding anyway.
EVI
Are you sure.
ANNA
Well, mostly.  The ref staff is too old for me anyway.
EVI
They are ten years younger than you.
ANNA
Just ten?  Like I said, too old for me.
EVI
I just don’t know what to do with you.
ANNA
Just bask in the glory.
Back with Gabby and referee.
Tommy
So, Gabby, what did you do to the wrist?
GABBY
Oh, I sprained it.
TOMMY
How did you do that?
GABBY
I fell on it during practice.
TOMMY
I take it this is not a career ending injury then.
GABBY
Oh no, it is feeling a lot better already.  I only did this yesterday, but I am keeping the brace on until I go back to the doctor.
TOMMY
Oh, here and I thought we were going to have to have a little talk with referee about how to treat a woman.
GABBY (laughing)
Oh no, my roommate already gave him that talk.
REFEREE
Talk?  I thought those were thinly veiled threats.
GABBY
Talk, threats, what’s the difference.
REFEREE
I believe the difference is when the use of a wood chipper comes into the conversation.
TOMMY
Wood chipper?  Oh do tell.
GaBBY
Well, she is very protective of me.  Kind of in the mafioso way.
ReFEREE
Mafioso, psychopath, they are so hard to tell apart.
GABBY
This is why I thought she would be good for derby.
REFEREE
Why because she has a willingness to do grievous harm tucked neatly right below the surface?
GABBY
Exactly.  What else would you need out of a derby girl?
MIKE
Well if your this guy I am sure he would say “all I need is love.”
REFEREE
You are such an ass.
GABBY
Ahh
, love, I gave up on love once I found beer.
REFEREE
Why is that?
GABBY
Instant gratification I guess.  Oh
crap
, but I love beer.  My whole theory is ruined.
TOMMY
We are not going to have to cut you off are we?
GABBY
I hope not, my poor heart would be broken.
REFEREE
Wow, this is getting deep in here.
GABBY
Pshaw!  Every once in a while you have to poor on the drama, as long as it is the right flavor of drama.
Joe
And what is the right kind of drama?
GABBY
Light hearted BS drama.  When you are going into the he said she said
crap
, that is the stuff that I hate and I think should be outlawed.
JOE
I guess I can agree with that.
GABBY
Well, since we are all in agreement, what do we have next on the agenda?
TOMMY
I am thinking dragons.
GABBY
Dragons are good.
REFEREE
Ok
, excellent, lets talk of dragon, or maybe dragoons.
GABBY
Brilliant suggestions.  How about dragons versus dragoons?
TOMMY
I got my money on the dragons.
ReFEREE
Depends on the training of the dragoons.
GABBY
I have my dice, lets figure this out.
They proceed to do a role playing thing about dragons versus dragoons.  Meanwhile at the other end of the bar.
ANNA
I don’t know I think they are kind of cute together.
EvI
That is beside the point, we cannot allow refs to be happy, we hate them remember?
ANNA
Well, yeah, but I thought that
wa
only during bouts.
EVI
Come now, they hate us too.
ANNA
What do you mean?
EVI
Think about it, how many times do you do something really minor and get yelled at about it?
ANNA
Well, pretty often, but most of that is my fault.
EVI
Your fault?  Why would it be your fault?
ANNA
Because I am a flake with the attention span of a goldfish.
Evi
Hey, gold fish have a pretty long attention span, they will stare at the wall for hours.
ANNA
Only if they are trying to decide if they can eat it.
EVI
Well, that is an attention span isn’t it?
ANNA
I guess, well maybe I have the attention span of a hummingbird then.
EVI
Hummingbird, well, that I can’t disagree with.
ANNA
And anyway, oh one
sec
, I have to answer this…
Anna proceeds to answer her phone and start blabbing away.
Back at the other table.
REFEREE
I’ll be damned I never thought that the dragoons would be able to pull it out.
GABBY
Well, the dice don’t lie.
REFEREE
What else do those dice know?
GABBY
Careful, the dice may know, but the answers may be loaded.
REFEREE
Or the dice are loaded,
hmmm
.
GABBY
Or one or both of us is loaded.  It really is kind of a toss up.
TOMMY
Well, come on you two, come up with a question.
GABBY
Hey, you can’t hurry these things.
MIKE
Hurrying is for beer drinking and getting speeding tickets.
GABBY
Exactly.
RefEREE
Well, lets see, I think that you would have to phrase it just right.
GABBY
Depends on what you are trying to phrase.
REFEREE
I guess it would.
GABBY
And whether or not Holly would want to stick you in a wood chipper.
MiKE
Sometimes that is a risk you have to take.
GABBY
You guys are so supportive.
TOMMY
Yep, that we are, just like Referee’s jock strap or something.
GABBY
I am going to try to wash that mental image out of my mind.
REFEREE
Me too, nothing personal guys, but that image is disturbing.
TOMMY
I am already regretting saying it.
Meanwhile, the other side of the room.
Evi
So, do you remember
RollerCon
last year?
ANNA
Parts of it.
EVI
Well, that is to be expected, it was a
hella
week.
ANNA
Yeah, that week kicked my ass.
EVI
But anyway, last year, specifically the derby wedding.
ANNA
Kind of.
EVI
Remember our little ref friend over there getting derby married?
ANNA
I recall moments of that.
EVI
I wonder how she would react to finding out he already has a derby wife.
ANNA
What difference would that make, those don’t really transcend into the real world anyway.
EVI
No, they don’t, but does she know that?
ANNA
Not likely, but what difference does that make.
EVI
I am just thinking of freely tossing monkey wrenches around.
ANNA
You really are a bitch sometimes.
EVI
Just sometimes?
ANNA
Ok
, most of the time.  But that is just cruel.
EVI
Why do you think that is just cruel.
ANNA
Well, I think they are kind of cute together.
EVI
Oh, I think I just felt my stomach turn over.
ANNA
Maybe your just jealous.
EVI
Of that?
Shit
, I would break him in half.
ANNA
So, let them be happy.
EVI
Sorry, can’t do it, just not my way.
ANNA
But whatever you tell her he will just explain and it will go away and you will look like a bitch.
EVI
I am a bitch.
ANNA
That is beside the point, how are you going to make it sound at all convincing.
EVI
Timing.
ANNA
Timing?
EVI
Yeah, next week is
RollerCon
, remember, we can’t go this year because we are too broke.
ANNA
Well, yeah, so?
EVI
Well he is off at
RollerCon
then I tell her about his derby wife off at
RollerCon
, and wondering who he is going to hook up with this year.
ANNA
Oh…
EVI
She will be so mad at him she will likely quit talking to him, and he will be so busy down there behaving himself he wont realize the difference anyway.
ANNA
You are so bad.
EVI
So what are you going to do when he comes back.
ANNA
I am hoping that by then she will be so mad at him it will be all over.
EVI
And what if that fails?
ANNA
Well, at least I got to have my fun in the meantime.
Drive home
REFEREE
So Yeah, I am flying out to Vegas for
RollerCon
on Monday.
GABBY
When are you going to be back?
REFEREE
The following Monday.
GABBY
A whole week in Vegas?
REFEREE
Yeah, but I am going to be up to my eyeballs in bouts, classes, and just basically derby
geeking
it out all week.
GABBY
I don’t know if that sounds like fun or not.
REFEREE
It is really fun, there is a lot going on.  When I go I generally don’t get to spend a lot of time doing the Vegas thing, but then again, that is not my thing anyway.
GABBY
Going out and waking up with other people’s underwear?
REFEREE
Yeah, not my idea of fun.
GABBY
Maybe you were just in the vicinity of the wrong peoples underwear.
REFEREE
Maybe.
GABBY
I hope you aren’t planning on waking up in anyone else’s underwear this year.
REFEREE
Nope, I am planning on refereeing three challenge bouts, and being an
NSO
in a fourth bout.  Taking a few classes, and then watching a bunch of bouts and maybe getting in on some of the scrimmages.
GABBY
That sounds like fun.
REFEREE
It is fun, but tiring.  And it is always so hot.
GABBY
But it is a dry heat!
REFEREE
Dry heat or no, it is too hot for vigorous physical exercise.
GABBY
Yeah, you may have a point there.
The Referee and Gabby make it to home.  He walks her up the walkway.
REFEREE
So I hope you had a good time tonight.
GABBY
I did.
REFEREE
And I think you even survived meeting my friends.
GABBY
They were funny, I liked them.
REFEREE
Cool.  Well,
um
.
GABBY
Well, today is Saturday, I imagine that tomorrow you are going to spend the whole day packing right?
REFEREE
Pretty much.
GABBY
So I guess this is the last chance I will get to see you before you leave.
REFEREE
Yeah.  I suppose so.
GABBY
Do you want to come in for a drink?
REFEREE
Holly is not going to be waiting for me with a wood chipper is she?
GABBY
No, you will be fine.
REFEREE
OK, sure.  That sounds good.
Referee follows Gabby inside, she locks the door behind her.
Leaving on an airplane
GabBY
I guess I will see you in a week.
REFEREE
I will be back, fear not.
GABBY
Well, don’t do anything stupid like falling on your wrist well you are out there.
REFEREE
I will try to avoid the temptation.  I am going to spend the majority of my time either refereeing or sleeping.  So I should not get in too much trouble.
GABBY
OK, well, I guess I will see you later.
REFEREE
I will see you in a week.
GABBY
Love you.
REFEREE
L-,
um
, love you.
GABBY
Good enough.
She gives him a hug and a good bye kiss and he walks off to go through security to get on the plane.
A chat
Holly
So, you like him huh.
GaBBY
Yeah, I do.
HOLLY
What ever happened to the not liking the stripes thing?
GABBY
Well I guess they just kind of grow on you.
HOLLY
Grow on you?
GABBY
Yeah, and he is a nice guy.
HOLLY
A nice guy who is now roaming around Las Vegas without you.
GABBY
Well, there is that, but I am sure he will behave himself.
HOLLY
Why do you think that?
GABBY
Well the first thing is that it sounds like he is going to be busy the whole week he is there.
HOLLY
Even when you are busy you still find time to go out and raise hell.
GABBY
He said something about a ten thirty zebra huddle every morning, that would slow down some of the crazy that is Vegas.
HOLLY
Ten thirty, that is not bad.
GABBY
Ten thirty and an hour on the shuttle to get there, plus making sure all of your stuff is squared away to go, I guess ten thirty means getting up at eight.
HOLLY
Well, that is a little better.
GABBY
And your expected to be coherent.
HOLLY
Ok
, that just sounds painful, why is he doing this?
GABBY
I guess its great experience.
HOLLY
Wow, I would certainly hope so.
GABBY
That and he has another reason to behave.
HOLLY
Oh, and what is that?
GABBY
He still thinks you have a wood chipper in the garage.
HOLLY
Oh yeah, I had almost forgotten about that.
Holly and Gabby bust out laughing about the wood chipper joke.
Last practice before bout
Head Ref
Hey everyone, guess what.  It looks like we are going to start the season off a little quicker than we had planned.
AnnA
What?  New season?
HEAD REF
Yes, new season.  Our good friends over at Random City
Rollergirls
ended up with an open date and asked us if we wanted to come and rematch.
EvI
Oh, so we are going to go get our butts kicked again?
HEAD REF
Well, maybe, but maybe not.  I think we could beat them if we put our minds too it.
Beth
You realize which team your
reffing
for.
HEAD REF
That had come to mind, but I think it will be good.  Apparently they had one of there players come down with a nine month injury.
Gabby
Whats
a nine month injury?
Cathy
Pregnant.
GABBY
Ohhh
.
HEAD REF
She is going to bench coach I guess, which is good.  But I want to see us at our best and maybe we can do better than last time.
EVI
Better than last time, you mean not down in flames then.
HEAD REF
Yes, not going down in flames would be nice.
BETH
Wow, your really asking a lot.
HEAD REF
Can’t we just at least try?
GABBY
I’ll try.
HEAD REF
Well, at least the
newbies
are with me.
EVI
So, when is this next bout?
HEAD REF
This coming Saturday.
EVI
That is just one week!
HEAD REF
Yeah I know, short notice, but I think we can do it.
EVI
And you really think we are not going to get our butts handed too us?
HEAD REF
It is a possibility, but I think that maybe we can step up.  Perhaps even have a game plan.
GabbY
Why not scrimmage this last practice, see what we can do before then.
HEAD REF
That is the plan.  Of course with Referee gone and just me here I am going to be
reffing
this scrimmage by my lonesome, but luckily he will be back in time.
Evi (slyly)
We will see about that.
HEAD REF
I have been trying to get a hold of him.  He is always on board.
GABBY
I say we do it.
Evi
Yeah, why not.
ANNA
I think that cute guy is still living there.
Beth
I’m in, lets do it.
EVERYONE ELSE
Yeah, lets go!
HEAD REF
Ok
, were in.  Lets get this practice going then!
Practice starts up, things are going well, Evi and Gabby line up to jam against each other.
Evi
So how is referee doing in Vegas?
GABBY
Good, I imagine, we have not really had a chance to talk to each other.
EVI
I wonder if he hooked back up with is derby wife.
First whistle blows, pack takes off.
GABBY
Huh?  Derby wife?
EVI
He didn’t tell you about that?
GABBY
Um
no…
Two whistles blow to start the jammers, Evi takes off, Gabby is standing there.
HOLLY
What are you doing Gabby?  Go!
GABBY
Oh,
shit
Gabby skates off but gets completely shut down by the pack.
Back on the bench.
HOLLY
What the hell was that?
GABBY
Evi told me something I didn’t know about Referee.
HOLLY
What?
GABBY
That he has a wife at
RollerCon
.
HOLLY
A what?
GABBY
Something about a derby wife.
HOLLY
What the hell is that?
GABBY
I don’t know, but I am going to find out.
HOLLY
Is it time for me to be warming up the wood chipper?
GABBY
I don’t know.  I suppose it depends on what he says.
HOLLY
I hope your not just going to let him weasel out of this.
GABBY
Oh, I am not.
Post practice bar stop.  Holly and Gabby are sitting at one table, Evi and Anna are with some of the other vets at another.
HOLLY
So he never mentioned any of this before?
GABBY
No, nothing.
HOLLY
So, he is either ashamed, or keeping at a secret.
GABBY
Figured I would never find out.
HOLLY
What a bastard.
GABBY
Yeah, this is a
shitty
move.
Meanwhile at the other table.
Evi
So, what the hell are you talking about Anna?
ANNA
Its really simple, haven’t you ever heard about that thing?
EVI
Let em get this straight.  You go downstairs for a trim and they put little jewels and stuff around?
ANNA
Yeah?
EVI
Why the hell would you do that?
ANNA
To make everything pretty.
EVI
What the
fuck
for?
ANNA
I think its hot.
EVI
I think its just weird.
ANNA
Well, your weird, but my question is, what the hell do you call it?
EVI
What are my choices.
ANNA
Well, so far
Vagazzeled
and
clitorized
.
EVI
Are you
fucking
kidding me?
ANNA
No, what do you think sounds better?
EVI
So what the hell are you going to call it if you actually get a piercing?  A hood ornament?
ANNA
I suppose.
EVI
And just when I thought I was weird.
ANNA
Well it makes sense doesn’t it?
EVI
No, no it doesn’t make sense.
ANNA
So, what did you do to confuse Gabby on the line tonight?
EVI
Oh that? (
gets
evil grin) I just told her about the derby wife.
ANNA
Oh, you bitch.  That is so cold.
EVI
Would you expect any less?
ANNA
I suppose not.
EVI
I am wondering how long it will take her to figure it out.
ANNA
She is going to be
pissed
when she does.
EVI
Well, yeah, but what the hell is she going to do about it?
ANNA
Well, she is going to be mad as hell at you.
EVI
So?  I could take her.
ANNA
Yeah, I suppose you got that going for you.
At the other table.
Gabby
I just don’t understand what the hell this is all about.
HOLLY
What do you mean?
GABBY
Well, he never mentioned this which is either he was trying to keep it from me or it is something that doesn’t matter.
HOLLY
Yeah, that is what I was thinking too.
GABBY
But if it doesn’t matter why would Evi tell me at all?
HOLLY
Well, she is a bitch.
GABBY
Ok
, you have that, but still that would really be a douche bag move.
HOLLY
Which, sadly would be about par for the course.
GABBY
Of course I still can’t get referee to text me back, so I have no idea what id going on with that end.
HOLLY
Do you think he is ignoring you?
GABBY
For all I know he is in the middle of a class, or refereeing a scrimmage.  I will give him until tomorrow to respond, then I will be
pissed
.
HOLLY
That works, I will go and oil up the wood chipper just in case.
GABBY
You have to be careful who is around when you say that, there are people who will
takle
you seriously.
HOLLY
Yeah, but then at least they wont try to mess with me.
GABBY
Ok
, you got that.
HOLLY
So, what are you thinking?
GABBY
Another beer?
HOLLY
Another beer it is.  I like how you think.
The Head Referee walks over.
Head REF
Hey, you would not have happened to have heard from Referee would you?
GabBY
No, why?
HEAD REF
I have been trying to get a hold of him about the upcoming bout, but he is not answering his phone.
GABBY
That is odd.
HEAD REF
Yeah, tell me about it, usually he is really excited to actually have a bout and see how things are going.
GABBY
Yeah, I have been trying to get a hold of him too.
HEAD REF
Crazy, oh well, I guess I will have to wait until Monday.
GABBY
I guess so.
Meanwhile off in Vegas.
Another Referee
I’m sorry about the phone dude.
ReFEREE
It was a
cheapy
phone anyway, I will get a new one when I go back home.
ANOTHER REFEREE
I had no idea that they actually had a salt water pool.  If I would have known that I would not have tossed you in.
REFEREE
Its no big deal, I was due for a new phone anyway.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Ok
.  So, what do you have queued up for tomorrow?
REFEREE
I have to
NSO
the main bout at the sports center, and I also have to ref a challenge bout, luckily also at the sports center.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Oh fun, are you going to the derby wedding madness?
REFEREE
Not this year, I got suckered into it last year, but I am staying the hell away from there this year.
ANOTHER REFEREE
I am guessing there is a long story involved there.
REFEREE
Yes, yes there is.  Thankfully those weddings don’t require annulments afterwards.
ANOTHER REFEREE
True, there is a huge difference between leaving Vegas with a derby wife and leaving Vegas with a real wife.
The next day, Gabby is mad
Holly
So did you hear from Referee?
GABBY
Nope, I am thinking he is trying to hide from me now.
HOLLY
What a
shit
.
GABBY
I am really getting sick of men acting like douche bags.  I really am.
HOLLY
It gets annoying.
GABBY
You think that men would figure out after a while that we only actually need them for about a combined half an hour out of our lives so they had better be nice to us.
HOLLY
What do you mean?
GABBY
Think about it, you don’t really need to have a man around, they just make messes, and then expect you to clean them up.
Shit
, get a sperm donor and would not even have to deal with the half an hour.
HOLLY
Wow, I think you just broke the record for fastest swap from
Becky-Home-Ecky
to militant feminist.
GABBY
Oh yeah, I am going to start running around with a knife and castrating every guy I see next.
HOLLY
Now, now, there is still a chance he has a good excuse.
GABBY
Yeah, but the odds are getting lower.
HOLLY
You just want him to call don’t you?
GABBY
Yeah.  I mean he gets back on Monday, and that is only a day and a half days, but
shit
, that is a long day and a half.
Flying out of vegas
Next morning Referee is flying out of Vegas
ANOTHER REFEREE
Hey, fancy meeting you here.
ReFEREE
I see you are flying back too.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Yeah, don’t you love these red eye flights?
REFEREE
Yeah, I think I am going to try to spend the whole day sleeping when I get back.
ANOTHER REFEREE
No kidding huh.
REFEREE
Yeah, I remember last year I did not want to do anything for like a day and a half afterwards.  Did not want to talk to anyone, did not even want to move.
ANOTHER REFEREE
I hear ya there.  So how is your league going up there?
REFEREE
Ok
, I guess, there is a core that lacks dedication, but some new girls that are making it worthwhile for me to stick it out.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Oh yeah?
REFEREE
Yeah, there is hope for this next season.
ANOTHER REFEREE
When is your next bout?
REFEREE
I have no idea.  I think I will have at least another month or two to figure it out though.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Are you the only one who came down?
REFEREE
Yeah, the new girls were too new to make it this year, hopefully next year.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Yeah, same thing is going on up with my league.
REFEREE
Do you have a bout coming up?
ANOTHER REFEREE
I have no idea.  They wont tell me until it is scheduled and I have to show up.  Thankfully I have a little liberty with my schedule.
REFEREE
That is nice.  It is good to be able to take some time off now and then.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Oh yeah.
Intercom
No boarding flight 495 Las Vegas too Springfield, Now Boarding at gate
C13
.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Well, That is my flight.  I guess I will see you later.
REFEREE
Yeah, I will find you online, we can compare our frustrating notes.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Ha!  Are you coming back next year?
REFEREE
Yeah, I will be here.
ANOTHER REFEREE
Cool, maybe we will end up
reffing
a bout together then
REFEREE
Cool, til next year then!
The other ref grabs his carry on bag and heads towards the plane.
Back Home
Referee is back home, the Head Ref is picking him up at the airport.
REFEREE
Hey Head Referee, glad to see you here.
HEAD REF
So how was Vegas.
REFEREE
It was incredible.
HEAD REF
Cool, I hope you learned a lot, you don’t have long until you have to use it.
REFEREE
Huh?  Really?  When do we have a bout scheduled?
HEAD REF
Saturday.
REFEREE
No
shit
huh.
HEAD REF
Yeah, I have been trying to call you.
REFEREE
Yeah, my phone ended up in the pool at Hooters, did you know that they have a salt water pool!
HEAD REF
Ah, so in other words its dead.
REFEREE
Yep, I hope nothing too important has happened since I left.
HEAD REF
I think Gabby was trying to get a hold of you at the same time I was.
REFEREE
Oh
crap
, yeah I have to call her.
HEAD REF
Yeah, and we are
bouting
Saturday, so be ready to rock.
REFEREE
I will be.
Referee decides to drive by Gabby’s, she is not home.
REFEREE (CONT’D)
Hello.
HoLLY
She isn’t home.
REFEREE
Is she at work?
HOLLY
No, she is out and about, somewhere.
REFEREE
Oh, well, I figured I would stop by because I still have not gotten my phone back yet.
HOLLY
What happened to your phone.
REFEREE
It went swimming in a pool.
HOLLY
Oh,
shitty
.
REFEREE
Yeah, I am going to go get a new one later today, but I need to sleep first.
HOLLY
Well, I will tell her you stopped by.
REFEREE
Ok
cool.
HOLLY
Did you hear about the bout on Saturday?
REFEREE
Yeah, I think it will be cool.  How is Gabby’s wrist doing?
HOLLY
The wrist is fine now.
REFEREE
Good to ear.  Well, I will try to get a hold of her when I get my new phone up and running.
HOLLY
Ok
, later.
REFEREE
Later.
Tuesday comes, Referee is trying to talk to Gabby
Gabby
Shit
there goes the phone.
Holly
You could just answer it.
GABBY
No, I am still mad.
HOLLY
There may be a logical conclusion.  It sounds like he broke his phone when he was in Vegas.
GABBY
Yeah, I know, but I am really unsure about what to say to him anyway.
HOLLY
Just tell him what you think.
GABBY
But I am not even sure what I think.
HOLLY
You are going to have to figure it out eventually.
GABBY
I know, I know.
HOLLY
I mean if you think about it, look at who told you about this.
GABBY
Evi, yeah, what about it.
HOLLY
Has she ever done anything actually nice for any of us?
GABBY
No, not really.
HOLLY
Maybe this is another one of her being a bitch things.
GABBY
Maybe.
HOLLY
Are you going to the Ninja practice on Thursday?
GABBY
No, I don’t think so.
HOLLY
Ok
, I am going to go.  Maybe I can ask him.
GABBY
No!  I want to talk to him about it, I just have not thought of how yet.
Ninja Prcatice
ReFEREE
Well, I’m back, I learned a bunch of new things in Vegas, I hope everything went
ok
here.
HollY
We did have a practice in you absence, we just did some basic drills and endurance stuff.
REFEREE
That stuff is great to know.
HOLLY
I figured you would be happy to hear about it.
REFEREE
So, where is Gabby, is she coming?
HOLLY
No, she had something going on.
REFEREE
Oh darn, I wanted to talk to her, I have not seen her since I left.
HOLLY
Yeah, she has been being kind of shy lately.
REFEREE
Oh well, lets get this going anyway.  Today we are going to work on assists.
Friday, bout planning.
The referee shows up at Gabby’s house.
Referee
Hey, how goes it.
GABBY
Ok
I guess.
REFEREE
You have been hard to get a hold of lately.
GABBY
Yeah I have been hiding this week.
REFEREE
Ok
, well, we have that bout tomorrow, I was wondering if you two wanted to ride with me tomorrow.
GABBY
I guess that would be cool.
REFEREE
Great, so, are you doing anything tonight?  I was going to go meet up with Mike, Joe and Tommy later.
GABBY
I was just going to stay home, it is a bout tomorrow, I should get my sleep.
REFEREE
Yeah, that is a good idea.
GABBY
Ok
, well, I will see you tomorrow then.
REFEREE
Yeah, three o’clock sound good?
GABBY
Yeah, that works.
REFEREE
Ok
, I will see you then.
Back in the house.
HollY
So, did you ask him?
GABBY
No.
HOLLY
Why not?
GABBY
I just didn’t.
HOLLY
Your going to have to straighten this out eventually.
GABBY
Yeah, I know.
HOLLY
So, what did you talk about.
GABBY
We are going to ride with him tomorrow to the bout.
HOLLY
I call not-shotgun.
GABBY
Oh sure, your going to make me talk to him aren’t you.
HOLLY
Yes, yes I am.
GABBY
Fine.
The ride to the bout
ReferEE
So how are you too doing today?
HollY
Good, I am excited.
REFEREE
Me too, so how about you Gabby?
GABBY
I am good.  Looking forward to tonight I guess.
REFEREE
So, Gabby, something seems to be bothering you.
GABBY
Yes, yes there is something bothering me.
REFEREE
Well?  What is it?
GABBY
I was talking with Evi, she said something about you having a derby wife off in Vegas.
REFEREE
Really?
GABBY
Yeah, so, is it true?
REFEREE
Yeah, but that should not bother you.
GABBY
What?  Why not?
REFEREE
I take she did not tell you about what having a derby wife is all about.
GABBY
No, she didn’t.
REFEREE
Basically it is you promise to hold their hair when they puke, not to go easy on them in a bout, a bunch of other stuff.
GABBY
Well even if that is all it is why didn’t you tell me?
REFEREE
I try to ignore it, it was not my idea.
GABBY
What do you mean.
HOLLY
See, told you that you should have just asked him.
ReFEREE
Well, last year I was at
RollerCon
and I had just gotten done with a bout, I was trying to talk to the other refs and I hear my name getting called by the announcers.
HOLLY
Wholly
shit
.
REFEREE
Yeah, I skate out there and here is this girl who was with my former team and we had always been friends on her knees proposing too me in front of a thousand people on
Freemont
street.
GABBY
Damn.
REFEREE
Yeah, I could not just say no.  It would have been devastating.  But yeah, I was her derby husband, or however that works.
GABBY
So, who was she?
ReFEREE
Well, now she skates for Random City
Rollergirls
, or at least she did until she got pregnant.
GABBY
Wait a minute, she is the girl who is bench coaching tonight?
REFEREE
Yes, the same one.
GABBY
Isn’t she married, like real married?
REFEREE
Yeah, I think this is kid number three for her.
GABBY
I can’t believe that Evi made a big deal out of this, what a bitch.
REFEREE
Well, it is Evi.
GABBY
I wish I could just go up and hip check her into next week.
REFEREE
Well, you can’t do that, but I will tell you what you can do.
GABBY
Oh, do tell.
The bout
AnnOUNCER
And here we are again its the Random City
Rollergirls
tonight hosting the Darlings from Harmony Town.  The Random City girls took the last bout, but lets see what will happen here tonight.
Beth
Are we ready?
Evi
Yeah sure.
Gabby
I am ready, lets do this thing.
Anna
Has anyone seen my phone?
Gabby (to Holly)
Where did you put her phone?
Holly (to Gabby)
I gave it to Referee, he has it in his gear bag in the Zebra huddle room.
GABBY
Excellent.
The bout starts, Anna without the distraction of her phone does a good job and matches the opposing jammer.
Beth
Great job Anna.
ANNA
Have you seen my phone?
AnnOUNCER
Wow, and as
Jambumbler
calls it off that is going to be a 4-4 jam, we are all tied up going into the second jam.
Beth
Gabby, you jam, Evi
b3
, Denise pivot.  You two,
b1
,
b2
.
They skate out and get ready.  Jam whistle blows.
ANNOUNCER
And there goes the pack on jam number two, the two whistles here come your jammers. I think that the Harmony City girl was only at her first bout last year, lets see how they have been doing with training.
Gabby skates up and grabs Evi’s belt, she flings her self past Evi as she throws Evi into the opposing jammer.
AnnounCER (CONT’D)
Wow!  Did you see that!  The Random City girl is down, Gabby looks like she is flying through, she gets lead.  Look at that girl go!  This looks completely different from last year.
Gabby skates back up to the pack Evi is still holding back
Jambumbler
.  Gabby is going to fast and slows down by skating right into the back of Evi.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
Ohhh
!  That looks like it may have hurt.  If that was an opponent that would have been a back block but you can run into your teammates.  And did you see that she is through and that is a Grand Slam for Gabby!
Gabby loops around again, she blasts into the back of Evi as she skates into the pack again, snakes through and calls the jam.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
Oh, and as Gabby calls it off she racked up 9 points to
Jambumblers
zero!  That makes it 13-4 with 26 and a half minutes still left in this half.
Back on the bench.
Evi
Damn girl, you hit me hard.
GabBY
Well, you know I can’t run into their players or I will go to the box.  I figured you could take it.
EVI
Ok
, give me a little warning next time though.
GABBY
I will try to remember.
A couple of jams later, this time Gabby is blocking with Evi.
GabbY (CONT’D)
Evi, incoming!
Evi
Huh?
Gabby slams into Evi, knocking her right into the jammer that was trying to sneak by on the outside.
ANNOUNCER
Oh!  And a little teamwork ends up with the Jammer in a pile skidding out of bounds.
EVI
Damn girl, when did you learn how to skate like that?
GABBY
I guess I just needed some motivation.
Half time sneaks up on us.
AnnOUNCER
And at the half it is a completely different bout than the last time these two teams met.  Harmony Town is maintaining a 73 to 51 point lead.  Lets see if Random City can do something to reorganize during the half.
Half Time Locker rooms
Beth
We are looking good out there tonight, Gabby, I don’t know where you got this energy from but keep it up!
GabBY
Yeah, I just feel good about tonight.
EVI
I feel like I am going to be setting a record for the most bruises tonight.
GABBY
Yeah, well, you are earning them.
EVI
How am I earning them, usually I give bruises, not get them
GABBY
I don’t know, karma?
EVI
Maybe, I don’t know.
In the refs locker room.
HeAD REF
What the hell is Gabby doing out there?
RefEREE
Skating better than I have ever seen her skate.
HEAD REF
Well, that and she looks like she is intentionally beating the hell out of Evi.
REFEREE
Perhaps.
HEAD REF
I take it you know about this.
REFEREE
Perhaps, she is making sure that she gets her chops in only when it will be beneficial to the team though.
HEAD REF
Yeah, that she is.  I just hope that Evi doesn’t get
pissed
.
REFEREE
I think that if she does figure it out she will know that she earned it.
HEAD REF
Well, I have no doubt that she earned it, but are you sure she will see it that way?
REFEREE
No, but I am pretty sure if they win this bout it will all be forgiven.
HEAD REF
I hope so.
Second Half
AnNOUNCER
Well, we are back, I hope you enjoyed that half time entertainment.  This is turning out to be a heck of a bout lets see if our local ladies can do better in the second half as right now the Harmony Town Darlings are holding a twenty two point lead.  The head ref checks to make sure that everyone is ready and now there is the whistle and the pack starts moving.
Back on the bench, Evi and Gabby happen to be sitting next to each other.
Evi
I have been thinking.
GABBY
Yeah.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, and Random City grabs lead jammer.
EVI
I am guessing that you figured out what I was doing before, with the whole derby wife thing, didn’t you.
GABBY
Yes, and I am not very happy about it.
EVI
Thought so, well, I got an idea, how about I apologize and you promise not to kick the
crap
out of me in the second half.
GABBY
I suppose I can do that.
EVI
Ok
, I am sorry, I guess I was being a bitch.
GABBY
I will accept that.  Thanks for admitting it.
AnnOUNCER
And the Random city girl gets through the pack and calls the jam, the score now stands at 73-55.
Evi
Well, it looks like we are up, lets make something happen out there.
They line up, Anna is the jammer but she gets sent to the box for a major penalty.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, and it looks like Anna is going to the box for a major, ref is saying back block.  Random City is on a power jam!
In the pack.
GABBY
Evi, outside.
Evi
Got her.
Evi turns and lays the jammer out with a vicious booby block.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, and that is a way to stop a jammer cold.  That looks vicious but properly pulled off completely legal!
EVI
Gabby, Inside.
Gabby
On it!
Gabby leans in and pushes the jammer out of bounds on the inside.  While she is standing there making sure that the skater can’t just skate back in one of the Random City girls skates back and plants a shoulder in the chest.
ReFEREE (blows whistle)
Red 42!  Major Counter Clockwise Block!
Annoncer
And it looks like one of the Harmony Town girls is down and that is Slid Viscous from Random City going to the box.  Oh, it looks like the Harmony Town girl is tapping out, lets hope she is OK.
REFEREE (Blows four fast whistles, the other refs mirros)
Are you
ok
?
GabBY
I got the wind knocked out of me.
Evi
Take a knee!
ANNOUNCER
It has long been a tradition that when ever one of the roller girls is injured all of the girls will take a knee for their fallen comrade.
ReferEE
Do you think you can stand?
GaBBY
In a second, oh, wow,
ok
, I can.
Gabby gets up with the help of the referee, Evi and the referee skate her over to the bench.
AnNOUNCER
Lets give her a big round of applause!  It looks from here that she got her clock cleaned on that one, lets hope that she is
ok
.
Back at the bench.
Medic
How are you doing?
GABBY
I am
ok
, just got the wind knocked out of me.
Evi
Are you going to be
ok
for later?
GABBY
I think so, but I need to sit down for a while though.
EVI
OK, I will do my best to keep things together out there.
Medic
OK, have a drink, you seem to be doing just fine, you didn’t hit your head or anything?
GABBY
No, just got the wind knocked out of me?
MedIC
No sharp pains or anything?
Gabby
No, I think I will be fine.
Almost to the end of the bout.
AnNOUNCER
And with the time running down this looks like it will be the last jam of the evening.  The Random City girls just finished up an incredible power jam but now both teams are coming back at full strength for this one.  And with the update of the score it looks like Random City has the first lead of the night, now up 135-132!
Back at the bench.
Evi
Ok
, we need to pull all of the stops out for this one.
GabBY
I am ready.
EVI
Huh?
GABBY
I can jam.
Beth
You think you can do it?
GABBY
I just need to get four and call.  I can do that.
BETH
Ok
, lets do this thing.
The girls all go to the line, the jam starts and the opposing jammer is just over Gabby’s right shoulder.
GABBY
Evi, whip inside.
Evi
Got it!
Gabby takes the whip off of Evi which causes Evi to slow down and roll right in front of the opposing jammer.
ANNOUNCER
Oh wow!  Two for one on that one.  The Harmony city jammer just took a whip and got her teammate to take out the opposing jammer for her!
Gabby rips through the rest of the pack, comes back around, gets through again and calls it.  The opposing jammer is still on the back straight away!
AnnOUNCER (CONT’D)
Oh and with that jam Harmony town takes a 136-135 lead and the bout is over!  Wow, what a finish!  Looks like the Harmony city girls are rushing the floor!
The girls are skate out and huddle around Gabby.
Beth
We did it!
Evi
Fucking awesome!  Lets drink!
GabbY
One thing first.
Gabby looks around and finds the Referee, plants a huge kiss on the lips.
The End

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