Cafe Meth (short screen play)

Cafe Meth
Two guys sitting in a meeting, grumbling as a third guy explains benefits
Benefits Guy
It is really simple, you have a one thousand dollar deductible.
Guy One
Thousand dollars? What the fuck?
Benefits guy
You are responsible for the first five hundred dollars, then your employer will pick up the second five hundred.
Guy two
Thats a little Better….
Benefits Guy
But this is where the fun begins!
Guy One
Fun as a colonoscopy
Guy Two
Oh wait, this could be just what the doctor overcharged you for.
Guy One
Ha ha (dryly)
Benefits Guy
You see you can take money out of every check for health expenses, which all comes out pretax.
Guy One
So we make less money….
Benefits guy
So then you don’t get charged taxes on this money, so you get to keep more of it.
Guy Two
See, its getting better
Benefits Guy
And you see, if you take the money out that you are going to spend anyway.
Guy One
So, now we have to know if we are going to be sick ahead of time.
Benefits guy
But the nice thing is that you don’t pay taxes on this money, but it is not just for if you go to the doctor.
Guy Two
See, gets better
Benefits guy
You get to use your receipts for all kinds of things like your annual physical, going to the dentist, pap smears, and also for over the counter medications, like cold medicine.
Guy One
Oh, goody, I can buy Robitussin and get a Pap smear
Guy Two
Well, you can get drunk and all fucked up on Robitussin
Guy One
Yeah, just how I want to spend my summer.
The two of them get the handouts and go back to work.
Guy one gets an instant message “think I have an idea”
Beep
I think I have a great idea
Typing
Well, that would be a first
Beep
Ha ha, no, really, hear me out
Typing
Ok shoot
Beep
So we have this health plan, I say we look at this closely
If we take out a bit more than we actually need to
Then we can take the money and buy meds at the drug store
Certain meds we can make into something else
Typing
What are you getting at?
Beep
We go to the store
We buy Sudaphed and what not,
We turn in the receipt, get our money back,
Take the Sudaphed and make meth!
Typing
Are you fucking nuts?
Beep
No, really, we don’t have to use it, sell it, get our money back, buy booze
Typing
I am starting to warm up to the drinking Robitussin idea
Beep
Oh, your no fun, think about it
Typing
Yeah, whatever
Beep
You going to the bar after work?
Typing
Yeah, why not
Beep
Ok, see you there, it is better than Robitussin afterall
Typing
Ok, see you there
after work, goes to the bar, hatches the idea.
Guy One
Hey, how is it going, getting any other crazy ideas
Guy Two
Nope, still thinking about the same one
Guy One
Oh great
Guy Two
Its not that bad once you get into it
Guy One
There is no way your going to be able to sugarcoat this into becoming a good idea
Guy Two
No, but I could beat you over the head with it until you give in and go along with it.
Guy One
Oh, great, if I didn’t live with you, and have to get a ride from you I would so be leaving right now.
Guy One
Goody, a captive audience.
They get drinks and go to table
Guy Two
Ok, you see what we do is we go to the drug store and we buy all of this crap with ephedrine and whatnot in it, all of which we can get our money back from through the health plan at work.
Guy One
You do know that you are insane.
Guy Two
I know, but despite that, we can take the money out of our checks ahead of time, and it comes out pre-tax, so we can lower what income we report down until we qualify for these tax things like Earned Income Credit, and what not, but then we will be taking all of this money out of our checks, right, and we would need something to spend it one.
Guy One
So you want to spend that money on Sudaphed.
Guy Two
Yeah, and we take the Sudaphed, turn it into meth, sell the meth, and get our money back.
Guy One
You know you are insane, do you know your stupid too?
Guy Two
No, listen, we will triple, hell even quadruple our money.
Guy One
Ok, quadruple, go on.
Guy Two
Yeah, apparently this meth shit is bug business, we could take the Sudaphed, break it down, boil it out or whatever the fuck and make it into meth. We take the meth sell it into some trusted dirt bags in town, they sell it to everyone else, we collect the benefits!
Guy One
Ok, so, do you even know how to make meth?
Guy Two
Well, know, but we have the Internet for a reason don’t we? Fuck I will look it up on there.
Guy One
You are aware that we only have the Internet at work, aren’t you worried about them catching on?
Guy Two
Oh hell know, you know are employers as well as I do, they are all morons.
Guy One
Yes, they are morons, but they are able to figure things out occasionally.
Guy Two
Oh come on, it took them like six months to catch the guy who spent all day downloading child porn on the main server, we even told them and they were unable to figure it out. This will be quick, one afternoon and I will have all of the information I need, I think.
The two guys go over the details while the camera fades
Benefits guy
So, you really want to take out a hundred dollars a check, thats a lot of money
Guy One
Yeah, there are a lot of health things I should go in for this year (coughs)
Break…
Benefit Guy
Wow, you are the second guy today who wants to take out a hundred dollars a check, wow, weird
Guy Two
You wouldn’t think that would be that strange, would you?
Benefits Guy
It wouldn’t be, but neither of you really look like you would be needing that much money for health stuff.
Guy Two
Well, I think it would be better to be safe than sorry
Cut scene////////
Speed scenes, going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over…. do a couple of times with each guy.
Setting up the lab
Guy One and Guy Two sitting in a room at a table with a pile of hoses, flasks, bottles, heaters, etc.
Guy One
Ok, so how do we build this thing
Guy Two
I am not sure, didn’t you take Chemistry
Guy One
Yeah, I copied off my desk mates papers, that is the only way I passed
Guy Two
Oh shit, well, I have pictures, lets see what we can do.
Guy One
You know that a lot of this shit looks explosive
Guy Two
Yeah, thats why we have to be careful
Cut Scene
Now the two of them are looking at a little pile of stuff that they are scraping into a bag
Guy One
Ok, so now what do we do with this shit
Guy Two
Well, we sell it to this guy who I met at the bar, he sells it to other people, and we collect the benefits
Guy One
Well, how do we get a hold of this guy.
Guy Two
Well, he wrote his number on a matchbook from the strip club.
Guy One
You have no idea how much more confident this is making me feel. Here we are with a whole bag of illicit substances, and we are going to go meet some dirt bag that you met at the strip club and wrote his number down on a matchbook for you. Yeah, this is making me feel really confident.
Guy Two
Thats beside the point, just think of the money, think about not having to spend the summer drinking Robitussin….
Guy One
Ok, money, money, going to jail, money, its not working, I think we could have just skipped this whole thing and spent all of that money on other things like Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train, Hell, Boone’s Farm.
Guy Two
Oh, come on, I will deal with this part, we will go in, you can go and hide for a while. Here I will call him and let him know that we are ready for him. And with that last list I think I would rather spend the year drinking Robitussin.
Guy Two, on phone
Hey, This is Guy Two, You gave me your number the other night at the Gentleman’s club. Yeah, you know that stuff we were talking about, I got the first batch all put together. You want to meet? Yeah, ok, I will meet you there. Cool, I will see you in a little bit. (pause) Ok, you want to meet my partner too, ok, no problem, I will bring him with.
Guy One
Your going to go meet this guy?
Guy Two
Yeah, don’t worry about it. I did tell you that he wants to meet you too, didn’t I?
Guy One
Yeah, great, you know I wanted to skip this entire part. But I suppose this is only our future ability to not be completely broke all summer we are talking about, I should come with anyway, why the hell does he want to meet me.
Guy Two
Well, tweakers, I think they are a little paranoid, or something like that. Well, tell you what, I will go in and get a table, you just hang out at the bar until I wave you over, then he can meet both of us and not freak out, because that would be bad, or something
Guy One
I cannot believe that you talked me into this.
Guy One
Hell, what are friends for?
They head to the club
Guy Two, sitting at table
Hey, hows it going
Nick
Good, you got the stuff.
Guy Two
Yeah, I have it out in the car, I have to introduce you to my roommate, he is the other part of this thing after all, here, I will bring him over.
Nick
Yeah, you should bring him over, I like to be able to look all of the people I am working with in the eyes, that way I know that I can trust them.
Guy Two
Either get to know them or intimidate them into not fucking around, either way it works.
Nick (semi clueless)
Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.
Guy Two
Yeah, he is a cool guy, I have known him for a long time, here, I will bring him over.
Nick
Yeah, I would rather know who all I am dealing with. I always feel better if I know all of the faces involved before I get involved in anything.
Guy Two
Ok, cool, well Here he comes.
Guy One
Hey, hows it going.
Guy Two
Hey Guy One, this is…
Nick
Um, just call me Tony (not his real name).
Guy One
Ok, Tony, nice to meet you.
Nick
Yeah, nice to meet you too.
Guy Two
So, Yeah, Tony, I got your package, its out in the car.
Nick
Ok, Coolio, um, do you want to go take a little walk then?
Guy Two
Yeah, no problem.
Guy Two and Nick walk out side
Guy One
I cannot believe I am doing this.
I cannot believe I am doing this.
I cannot believe I am doing this…..
Waitress
What, first time in a titty bar?
Guy One
Oh, um, um, no, not for me, no, not that…
Waitress
Oh, come on, don’t be shy, come on, I will show you how it is done.
Waitress leads Guy one (who follows reluctantly) up to the rail , waitress gets a dollar out of him and shows him how to balance it on the rail.
Guy One
Yeah, thanks for that.
Waitress
Oh yeah, you will really be thanking me in just a second here.
Guy One
Oh, I am sure I will.
Waitress walks away as guy one gets attacked by a monstrous stripper’s breasts.
Waitress (aside)
Its all a matter of timing.
Guy one stumbles back to the table just as the other two return from the parking lot.
Guy One
Have a nice walk?
Guy Two
Yeah, need a drink?
Guy One
More than you would believe.
Nick
Yeah I could use one too.
Guy Two, ok, what you want?
Nick
Jameson Coke
Monstrous Stripper
Hey, mind if I join you guys? You getting drinks? I will take a Vodka RedBull if you are, it will be a bit before I am up again.
Nick
Hi, My name is Nick
Stripper
Hi, I’m Monstrous Stripper, nice to meet you.
Nick.
You like to party?
Monstrous Stripper
Yeah, why? Do you know of any?
Cut Scene
Guy Two
Holy shit, you want more? Hell, give me some time, I will get you more, give me some time.
Hey (Guy One) we have to go to the pharmacy, you ready to run?
Guy One
Huh, its like two AM
Guy Two
Yep, business calls, lets go!
Guy One
This fucking sucks.
Guy Two
Just think of the money man, just think of not having to drink Robitussin.
Speed scenes, going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over…. do a couple of times with each guy.
Back to the lab.
Guy One
I cannot believe that we are running this thing right out of the fucking house.
Guy Two
Well, where did you think we were going to run the thing, shit, hand me that flask.
Guy One
You know I thought when we first started living together that we were going to make it simple and when you asked me for the flask it was going to be full of whiskey or something, not ether.
Guy Two
Hey, I didn’t think that we ever actually took ether off the table.
Guy One
(laughing) Oh, yeah, well, not in that form anyway, but dammit, this is different.
Guy Two
Well, when in Rome….
Guy One
I don’t think they ever made meth in Rome
Guy Two
Hell, if they did, maybe it wouldn’t have been the lions that were always winning against all of those Christians.
Both laugh
Cut Scene
Guy One and Guy Two walking across the strip club parking lot, there is a car rocking in the lot.
Guy One
Hmmm, this hard to believe that you would run into that happening in the strip club parking lot.
Guy Two
You would think that they would take the time to go somewhere else first.
Guy One
I don’t know, maybe they had some reason not to go very far
Guy Two
Who knows
As they walk by the car, a hand slides down the window clearing a patch, an eyeball peeks through the glass at them
The rocking stops as some muffled ‘Oh fuck’ talking takes place in the car.
Guy One
What the fuck
Guy Two
Yeah, some reason I am even more disturbed now
The car door opens and Nick and Monstrous Stripper get out of the car
Nick
Hey, guys
Nick finishes pulling pants up as Monstrous Stripper waves and closes door
Guy Two
Yeah, hey
Nick
You got the stuff
Guy Two
Yeah, I got it
Nick
Cool, hope you don’t mind, I think that she should be getting back to work, I think that she is up next anyway.
Guy Two
Ok, yeah, here is this part, you got the money?
Nick
Yeah, no problem, here
Nick grabs some sweaty money out of his pants pocket
Guy Two
Thanks, talk to you later
Guy One
Yeah, talk to you later
Nick, yeah, no problem, nice doing business with you
Back at work, benefits guy walks into the cube farm
Benefits Guy
So (Guy One), I see you have been buying a lot of Sudaphed lately….
Guy One
Yeah, I have had one of those congestion things that just wouldn’t go away. (cough cough)
Benefits Guy
Yeah, I see, while I hope that clears up
Cut Scene
Benefits Guy
So, I see you have been spending a lot of money on Sudaphed lately….
Guy Two
Yeah, I have had this congestion thing, just wont seem to go away.
Benefits Guy
Have you considered quiting smoking?
Guy Two
Yeah, likes thats covered in the health plan.
Benefits Guy
Actually it is.
Guy Two
Oh, who knew.
The two guys talk about the intercept with the Benefits Guy.
Guy One
So, (Benefits Guy) came and talked to me today
Guy Two
Yeah, me to.
Guy One
So, what did he have to say to you?
Guy Two
Oh, regular shit, asking about my purchases of decongestants, all of that fun stuff.
Guy One
You don’t think that he is on to us do you?
Guy Two
Fuck., it took them like six months to catch the porn guy, what the fuck?
Guy One
Maybe it is time we start to ease our way out of this mess while we still can
Cut Scene
Guy One
You know I don’t want to end up in jail.
Guy Two
Yeah, I know, me either. We are so close though, we just have a few bucks left in our health buy ahead plan to burn through and we can be done.
Guy One
Yeah, no jail, remember that.
Guy Two
Just a few more runs, that is it, then all of our planned expenses, and what they actually were will match out and we will find our way out.
Guy One
And how the fuck are we suppose to get out, how are we going to escape this circle?
Guy Two
Don’t worry, I will find a way, I am most of the way there.
Guy One
You better be, I am getting sick of these midnight calls from Nick and all of that.
Slower scenes of going to the store, buying ephedrine, sudaphed, whatever else, checking out, turning in receipts at work, getting refund check, do over…. do a couple of times with each guy.
Guy Two
Ok, this is the last batch, no more.
Guy One
It better be.
Guy Two
Don’t worry, I have an out after this, I swear.
Guy One
You better, this is really starting to get annoying.
Guy Two
Not just for you, but at least we got the big screen TV.
Guy One
Yeah, thats nice, but shit, how the fuck are we going to get out of this.
Guy Two
I think I have a way.
The demand is too much….
Guy One
Ok, I can’t take this anymore.
Guy Two
Yeah, me either
Guy One
What are we going to do?
Guy Two
Well, if this was a real business we would just sell it to someone who had an idea what the hell they were doing.
Guy One
Like who?
Guy Two
Like the guy we have been selling all of this stuff to.
Guy One
The guy is an idiot.
Guy Two
Well, we will explain to him how it works, and how he doesn’t know us.
Guy One
And You think that he will actually be able to figure this whole thing out?
Guy Two
Hell, we did, its not that hard
Guy One
As long as that end does not end up with us in jail.
Guy Two
Wow, you are really worried about that.
Guy One
I don’t know, maybe it is all of those wonderful anecdotal stories about being someones bitch that bothers me.
Guy Two
Yeah, I think that you would not do well as someone’s bitch, hell I can’t even get you to do the dishes.
Guy One
I don’t think as a prison bitch they want you to do their dishes
Guy Two
Yeah, ok, you win, I guess there is just no way I can make the thought of being anally violated sound like an ok thing
Guy One
I never told you about my father did I?
(This is where, time permitting, we can add a humorous, exaggerated daddy getting ass-raped in prison scene, maybe just the sounds as he looks up to the right and thinks, then cringes)
Cut Scene
Guy One
Ok, thats it, we need to get the hell out of this, we have taken this too far. There has to be something that we can do to get out of this.
Guy Two
Ok, you know that guy that we have been selling all if this shit to? Why don’t we just sell him the whole operation.
Guy One
Because he is a moron.
Guy Two
Oh come on, how hard is this whole thing to understand. You put this here, this there, filter distill, don’t blow your self up…. How hard is that?
Guy One
You have seen the guy that you are thinking of selling this thing to haven’t you?
Guy Two
Yeah, so we will explain it really slowly.
Cut scene, they call it quits, music plays as it shows them moving the whole operation to the Nick’s house, helping him set it up, pointing things out.
Guy Two
So yeah, you put this shit there, dissolve, and then filter, boil, filter. Boil, don’t blow yourself up, you got it?
Nick
Yeah, filter, boil, filter, boil, don’t blow up, yeah I can handle that.
Guy One and Guy Two leave
Guy One
You do realize that he is still clueless
Guy Two
Yeah, but if he blows himself up at least all of the stuff is over at his place and not ours.
Cut Scene
The guy blows himself up….
The two guys are standing, watching the firetrucks. They look at each other, shrug, take a swig of Robitussin, walk away.
Guy Two
I guess he missed a step there somewhere.
Guy One
Yeah, whatever, at least we had a little more interesting summer than we had planned on.
The end.

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