The Natalie story, this is how I fuck with my friends….

It was really kind of interesting how it all came together. I was sitting rather lost and distressed in Portland and while driving one day down the freeway on my way to a job interview and there on the side of the road I saw it, a huge billboard for Dyanetics. I laughed it off and kept going, but at the job interview I felt like there was something that was just a little bit off. I got home, and still it was in my mind, I jumped back in the car and made sure to write down the number this time.
The next morning, it was still on my mind so I made a phone call and introduced myself. Usually there is a financial aspect on the act of entering into Scientology, since I was broke I had to scramble to find some other way to raise my status. The conclusion was if I could pull others into the fold I would be able to get further up into the hierarchy of the Scientology church.
I was at this time joking around on line with Natalie making wise ass cracks about our friends status messages, and we started a banter back and forth. One day while sitting with one of the church elders at a coffee shop I started laughing about some silly thing that she had written on a status message and the elder told me that if I could help to recruit her into the church it would definitely help raise my status within the church.
Natalie and I kept chatting and eventually the question came out and amazingly, considering that she had never actually met me, she accepted. I flew down to Indiana, and we had a private ceremony, but we could not tell anyone of what we had done and had to keep on living like nothing had happened until the lawyers had taken the time to figure out all of the details.
Finally today I got an email from the lawyers in the morning that they were close, and they were hoping that they were going to be able to use her emancipation from her parents and religious freedoms to alleviate th possible problems that we would otherwise be having with that pesky Mann Act. Fricken state lines, they are so annoying. They later this afternoon I got another email stating that they had gotten all of the details squared away, and now everything is cool. I am so happy, and so relieved that I don’t have to keep living my life with this whole closeted marriage thing. Such a relief to get that part off my chest.
Sometimes I just can’t believe how disapproving people are about the stupidest little things. Egads, come on people, can’t you see its love? Love doesn’t believe in numbers, love believes in compatible minds, and for those of you who know me you will realize how unusual it is for me to actually find a compatible mind in this world. So now today is Valentines day, always use to refer to it as VD day, but not sure thats appropriate anymore. Here I am sitting in Minnesota while the wife lives her life in Indiana. I will call her later, see how her day went, hope that her friends are more accepting than mine seem to be.
It really does bother me though, all of the haters, and dis-approvers, and questioners in this world. Where were they when there was something real to question and analyze? How many of these people sit at home and watch FOX news all the while nodding in agreement like sheep on drugs. When we were looking for “Weapons of Mass Destruction” in Iraq, that they had given us receipts for the destruction of, and invading because we were not allowed to go through the country with the inspectors that we had removed when they were starting to make progress. Where were all of the doubters and dis-approvers then? I know where I was I was marching eh streets because I could see a bald faced lie when I saw one, and I was disgusted that it took as long as it did for the rest of the country to realize that they were getting snowed.
Sometimes people just don’t learn, fool me once, same on me, fool me twice, wont be fooled again. Apparently not. As long as you are the one reporting no one is trained anymore to critically analyze what is being said, to look at the details and say “bullshit” and even if the doubt they either stay silent, or they scream bloody murder, nothing in between.
    But anyway, went on a bit of a rant for a Valentines note, love you honey!
So many have been so crass as to question why I would ever go to so far a step as to convert to Scientology, but in reality it was a natural step for me. When I was in Duluth I decided to try to treat my ADHD by going to the Human Development Center to see what they could do to help me. In retrospect, here is what they can do to help people.
A. Nothing
B. Fuck them up worse then they already are
C. Get then addicted to drugs of the prescription kind, which I am pretty sure they get a kick back for prescribing
D. Mis-prescribe the above mentioned drugs to get them even more fucked up then they would ever be able to get themselves on their own
So, needless to say, I was not impressed with the state of modern medicine at least when it comes to their abilities to screw with the human mind. The mind is a delicate thing to taste, and minds are easily harmed, minds should be cared for, and minds should not be harmed because you are using your patients as guinea pigs for your own sick and demented pleasure.
I have to admit that the whole Tom Cruise couch jumping episode was hyper dramatic, but it does bring to mind that Scientology believes that the human mind is not something that should be messed around with by people who really don’t understand what they are doing, but would like to pretend that they do and collect a six-figure salary for it. Another one of the things that I did this summer in all of my travels was that i had to detox myself off of all of those horrible drugs that HDC had decided were necessary for me to interact properly in society. All of those pills to make this go slower, and that go faster, and ignore that we have no idea what we are doing, and that depression that gets worse when we give you this pill, just take more of it, it will feel better, or maybe you will feel nothing at all, which ever way it happens to work.
Jeffy don’t play that. I admit that maybe in my interactions in society I am not the most stable, or the most politically correct cat on the street. I say things and I do things that sometimes people may or may not agree with. I get a little anxious now and then, sometimes I run down the street eating flowers out of planters and street preaching to confused tourists just so see the confused looks of horror on their faces, but guess what.
Thats me, its who I am, and I like this little world I have constructed for myself, and I am happy to let all of the rest of you live in it with me as well, just, no more hatred, and no more backstabbing and general disrespect, it makes all of this world even harder to deal with than it already is.
Even by my standards it was a less than normal ceremony. Guess I have never been married as a Scientologist before, married before, yes, Scientology? Well, anyway, on with the story. Natalie and I had decided to tie the knot and before I even knew what was going to transpire all of the plans had been laid, and tickets had be punched, and I was a mile high off to join the club of matrimony. I had to sneak away from my normal bean flicking duties a little early that Friday so that I could get everything all packed up for what I was hoping would be a rough and tumble weekend adventure.
I could not be more wrong about what tracks were being laid for us.
I ended up spending most of that Saturday in deliberations with the attorneys trying to get every aspect set in place, every last ‘T’ crossed, ‘I’ dotted, not a second for even a sidelong glance, all signing here, initialing there. If I would have known it was going to be this much fun to get married as a Scientologist I would have done this years ago, not.
Finally we got to stand in front of the judge, say out I wills, and dos, and don’ts and wonts and golly, look at the time, we had the romantic togetherness of you may kiss the bride and get your ass in the cab because we got to get your ass on a plane in twenty minutes.
Hell, this even makes my last marriage look traditional by comparison, at least getting married by Elvis had been heard of before. I think the next time I get married (presuming that there is a next time) I may get married in an actual church just to mix things up.
So there we were, married and torn apart, no time for more than a peck and run. Here I was sitting in the back of a cab thinking back to surrealistic scenes in Firefly, “Two by two, balls of blue….”
Regrets? Maybe, a few, but what can I say its not the immediate aspect I am thinking of, its the long run and the long term. If you jump into a marriage thinking of nothing more than “Oh look, I will have a built in girlfriend who wont run away as fast” you are going to be disappointed. They can still run away, and often far faster than you will be able to run after them because this time around they will have all of your credit cards as well.
Maybe we should have waited until after the school year was done, it was just her freshmen year at college, wouldn’t be that hard to wait until she was done in May, would it have? Would we have changed out minds? Hard to say, figure it all out later I guess, oh whoops, too late.
Two by Two, balls of blue….
For all of you out there living your lives and watching out for me just so you can scoff or look down because you just can’t believe what I did. Or this has got to be a joke, why would he ever do a thing like that. The answer is really simple. I can, I will, I do… Especially that last part, I do, I do, I did, and I continue to do so even if we are at the moment separated by our life responsibilities of work and school. We talk, we laugh, we joke about the whole age difference thing because we know the truth of the whole ordeal is that years don’t matter as much as brain cells. Brain cells I think vibrate on a certain frequency and when you run into someone who has brain cells that vibrate at that same frequency it just clicks, and that is what happened here. Those of you who know me would be able to vouch that when it comes to my vibrating brain cell theory it is not the craziest idea I have ever uttered, but if it is true and we have brain cells that vibrate and scan for a sympathetic vibration what ever frequency my brain vibrates at it is not in the range of every one else’s mind. To put it another way, I’m a freak upstairs, bats in the attic, elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, and skips some floors in the middle too.
When Natalie and I met we clicked in that weird hard to understand way of I looked at her, she looked at me and it was there. There was no question for either of us, even if there was the silly lawyers would have beat the doubt out of us anyway. But we had no question, and we had no doubt as to whether or not this was the right decision. It was love, with a capital L, it was true. As many of you I am sure know I was married before a relationship that lasted several years and then fell apart as easily as it fell together. This is completely different, because I was never able to connect mentally with the ex whose name will not be mentioned. She saw glimpses of who I was and she was scared, oh dear, did I marry a crazy person, now that would not be proper with tea and crumpets. Now things are different, the crazy person who I was trying so hard to hold inside is finally free and able to do what they do best, which is create. I am free, and the art is coming, along with everything else I can create. Lets see how far I can push this wagon before the wheels fall off and the wagon bursts into flame.
Buckle up, its going to be a bumpy surrealistic ride.

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