From the lost diaries of Kylo Ren:
I know that many people are going to question what it was that brought me to the dark side of the force, but for the most part it was all in one incident. I have never spoken to anyone about this, and I never will.
These are the secrets and the hatred that I hold inside of me, this is why I am never going to be able to forgive my parents, Han Solo and Princess Leia.
I had started my training to be the beginning of the next generation of Jedi knights. It was going well, and my force powers were beginning to show in ways that surprised even my teacher, Uncle Luke.
At this point Luke had already started down the path of exile from society. People cold still find him if they wanted to, but he was retreating already. It had only been a few years since the final victory over the chancellor, and you would think that unity would be the word of the time, but instead, the sides were already retreating.
We were training on the world of Dagoba, I know that this place was very formative in the development of Luke into the Jedi that he became, but it did nothing for me, just swamps, swamps, and more swamps.
One day we went to the cave, Luke told me that I had to go in alone and face what it is that I most fear. I had nothing to fear at that time. I was strong, the alliance had no enemies to speak of, I had no idea what it was going to show me.
As it turns out my lack of fear threw off the experience, it was looking for what I most feared and it instead gravitated to what Luke most feared. Not for himself, but for me.
It gravitated to the memory that was stuck in Luke’s mind that he knew I would never be able to handle, the memory that he held that would destroy all of the progress that he was making on turning me into a Jedi.
It had all happened approximately nine months before my birth, Luke, Leia, and Han were kicking around on the forest moon of Endor with the Ewoks. Luke had been out practicing his skills and he was on his way back with some supplies he had gathered from the forest. It was a good time for Luke and I can see he at this point had no willingness to go on the sojourn that would define him in his later years.
He walked into the forest hut that they were sharing with Wicket, one of the Ewoks that was instrumental in their defeat of the forces on this moon and he saw it.
HE SAW IT, HE SAW EVERYTHING…..
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he could see shapes and hear grunts, but he did not know at first what he was walking into. He figured it could not be that bad, what is the worst thing that you are going to run into on Endor, then as he became accustom to the light out of the darkness he made out the shapes of Han and Leia, wearing furry suits, and Leia wearing a strap on that could have been one of C3PO’s appendages, running a train on Wicket. Then with a Gahhhhahhahhahhahh he saw in the darkness as Chewie, jerking off in the corner shot a huge load right onto Wickets back.
He gave his customary scream of “Nooooooooooo!” as he turned and ran away, the image burned into his retinas.
From that moment he started on the path of the solitary Jedi, never wanting to speak of this moment, never wanting to relive these images.
I faced this memory in the cave, now it was burned into my retinas. Now this was the experience that I would never be able to forgive or forget.
I collapsed, a few minutes later I crawled out of the cave feeling defeated, Luke came up to me and told me that the visions in the cave were for me and me alone. I would have to deal with them.
Thanks a lot asshole. You had these images and you could never come to terms with them and now I am expected to deal with this shit?
My relationship with my parents became even more strained from that moment on. I had always wondered where I had gotten my huge mane of hair and now it seems I was either part wookie or part Ewok.
I had no idea to what percentages any of my fathers contributed to my actual birth, when it comes to force babies it is always a question. Frequently there is not even a father present in the equation, or if you do a genetic test they are only marginally related.
I strayed, I rebelled, and eventually I ran into someone that allowed me to use my hate, the first order. I have never shown my master the images that I hold in my mind, but I sense that he has had some faded glimpses of it.
I try every day to bury these images deeper and deeper into my heart, but this just makes my heart blacker and more cold.
How could they?